Yet Another DMC Parody
by The Joe and Gromit Show
Summary: Joe: The latest Parody of Devil May Cry. Featuring incredible stupidity and randomness from the demented mind of Dante. All done. Fin. Finito. Chrioch......I can't think of any more words that mean finished...anyway, read & review pleased.
1. Prologue

Yet Another DMC Parody

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or any of its characters, I'm

Not getting anything out of this so don't sue!

Author's Note: Progress will be slow, so don't worry if new chapters aren't

coming in

…………………………………………………………………………

Chapter 1:Prologue

Two millenniums ago there was a competition between

the human world and the demon world.

The competition was to see who could balance an egg on their chin the longest.

The prize was for the losing race to become maids and butlers for the winners.

The demons from the underworld had an excellent sense of balance and were winning easily. But somebody from the underworld took pity on the humans and their

limited lifespan (and their terrible sense of balance). His name was Sparda.

With his kick-ass sword he defeated the demon's champion egg balancer, ruining their winning streak, he also sealed the demons away into the underworld,

shut the portal, and swallowed the key. He became a legend, the legendary dark knight, Sparda. He then settled down in the human world in a disguise

And got married and had two sons.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

On a moonlit street somewhere a dark figure could be seen

Drifting down to the ground from out of nowhere.

A scream cut through the silence, it was a womans voice.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

THUNK!

"That's the last time that I'm going bungee jumping with chewing gum!"

she screamed angrily.

She looked around and took in her surroundings, in the distance she saw the Eiffel Tower. "NOT AGAIN!" This was her fifth attempt to land beside a building named

Devil May Cry and she was starting to get pains in her back from landing.

SKIP SCENE

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

THUNK!

"This time it had better be the right place or so help me I'll….."

She spotted the building named Devil May Cry. "About damn time" she muttered.

INSIDE DEVIL MAY CRY

A man was sitting behind a desk with his feet up,

He was wearing all red clothes and had white hair, he also happened to be an idiot.

The phone rung.

The man casually banged his foot on the table and the phone went flying into his hand.

"Devil May Cry, password?" he grunted.

"Yeah, can I get an apache pizza please? You know those new ones that are on the ad's?" came the reply.

"Correct! How may I help you?" said the man, sitting up properly.

"I just told you what I wanted, jackass! An apache pizza!"

"And I just told you, that's the right password, what the hell do you want?"

the man shouted, he was starting to get annoyed.

"A PIZZA, OR IS THAT TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU?"

"What does difficult mean?" asked the man.

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH, THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING PIZZA HUT INSTEAD, YOU JUST LOST YOURSELF A CUSTOMER!"

"NOOOOOOO! YOU'RE THE SIXTH CUSTOMER YHAT I LOST TODAY! PLEASE DON'T HANG UP!" It was too late.

"DAMN IT!" yelled the man.

He just sat down when a motorbike came smashing through the door.

"HEY! SOME BITCH JUST STOLE MY BIKE!" was heard from outside.

"Pretty" said the man looking at the woman who just smashed through his office/living room on a bike; he had completely ignored the fact that he was missing a door to his office.

"I hear that you're the handyman that'll take any job" she said casually, strolling around the mans office.

"Almost right", said the man, getting up and walking towards his sword, which was on a rack on the wall " I only take special jobs, if you know what I mean"

"You lost a mother and a brother to evil 20 years ago, the son of the legendary dark knight Sparda, Mr. Dante" the woman said coolly.

"How did you know that?" asked Dante uneasily "wait a minute, I know what's going on, your stalking me, aren't you?"

"WHAT?" the woman said ; this caught her completely off guard,

she had heard that this guy was an idiot but this was simply too much.

"I hate stalkers!" said Dante "I kill them, I figure that if I kill each one that comes, I should eventually hit the jackpot sooner or later"

He was now pointing his sword straight at the woman.

"Well in that case," she said, as if people threatened her with swords everyday

"you should be used to this kind of thing"

she slowly moved her hand towards his sword, suddenly, her hand sparkled with electricity.

She shook Dante by running the electricity up the sword, into him.

Dante suddenly thought that it would be funny if he jumped backwards into his desk.

Then the woman threw his sword at him. It missed.

"Damn it!" she screamed " would you, um, pass me that sword please?"

Dante, being the idiot he is, gave her back the sword.

He suddenly realised his mistake.

"SHIT!" The sword missed again.

"I can do this!" the woman said, "give me one more chance!" "Okay" said Dante again. He gave the sword back again. "Thanks" said the woman.

"Wait a minute," he said, he thought for a while. He just gave a weapon back to the woman that's trying to kill him. "You're welcome" he said, grinning stupidly.

The sword actually hit this time, knocking Dante back into the smashed up desk.

"What's wrong?" the woman jeered, " didn't your daddy ever teach you how to use a sword?"

She then threw the motorbike at him. "A sword?" Dante asked " hah! Time to go to work guys!" There was no reply. "Guys?" Dante repeated. Then Dante realised for the tenth time today that he didn't have two bodyguards. Ebony and Ivory (his twin handguns) lay on the floor forgotten.

The bike was just about to hit him when it suddenly froze in mid-air.

Dante noticed that there was crimson flames burning around him.

"Aaaaaaaack!" he screamed "I'm on fire! Getitoffmegetitoffmegetitofmegetitoffme!"

He began thrashing around wildly and began rolling over, managing to hit the bike back at the woman.

"NO!" she yelled trying to jump out of the way. Dante stopped burning.

"Such stupidity" she muttered. Dante took this as a compliment.

"Why thank you," he began "even as a child I had a gift, why, my first year maths teacher called me "special!"" It suddenly occurred to him that he should kill the woman. He picked up his guns and pointed them at her (she didn't realise it but the guns were pointing completely in the wrong direction).

"It may seem that way," she said "but I'm not your enemy, my name's Trish and I came to seek your help" she took off her sunglasses. Dante gasped. "MOMMY!"

he cried "I knew you'd come back! Vergil said that you were dead, but I didn't believe him!" He hugged her.

"Get off me!" Trish screamed "I'm not your mother!"

Dante sulked.

"Here's why I need your help" Trish said


	2. The Curse of the Bloody Muppets

Disclaimer: I don't own DMC or any of its characters, I don't own the Muppets or

Gollum and Lord of the Rings either.

Last time I forgot to put any authors notes at the bottom and some of you might have been wondering if this is a one-shot fic. Well it's not and you'll have to put up with me for the rest of your membership here and I'll never stop bugging you asking for reviews, NEVER! Bwahahahahahahahahah! Ahem, anyway here's the second chapter to Yet Another DMC Parody.

Chapter 2: The Curse of the bloody Muppets

Dante found himself on an island with Trish.

"Aack! w-where am I?" he stammered.

"Mallet Island" Trish answered "remember? The island that evil is going to spread from? The one I was telling you about?"

Dante thought back:

FLASHBACK

"Here's why I need your help," said Trish.

She started a long and boring speech but Dante wasn't listening.

He felt drowsy.

All he could hear was "blah blah Mundus, blah blah evil" etc.

He fell asleep with his eyes open.

END FLASHBACK

"Bananas" was Dante's reply.

_Why do I have to put up with this idiot?_ thought Trish.

She spent the next half an hour explaining the problem to Dante, who asked questions that didn't really matter (such as "what colour was his hair?" and kept asking "why?" after every sentence).

"Come on, let's go" said Trish.

She then jumped up the cliff.

Dante spent the next two hours trying to jump up after Trish. He soon realised he couldn't after he managed to put a dent in his skull from jumping into the cliff wall.

He went on his way up the path when he seen something that made him stop.

There was a yellow orb that would make him come back after he died.

Dante didn't care, all he cared was that it was shiny, and he wanted it.

"Oooooooooooooooh, shiny" he said dreamily, he then stroked it and admired it.

"My prrecioussss" he hissed like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

He walked a bit further when his shiny senses tingled he looked up.

"_gollum! gollum!_" he hissed and then jumped up and grabbed it.

He was just about to admire it when his shiny senses went haywire.

There was millions upon millions of shiny things inside the castle.

He charged inside as fast as a lunatic obsessed with shiny things could.

As soon as he got inside he noticed a large sign in front of him, it read

_Mission 1: The Curse of the Bloody Muppets: Open the cursed door._

"missing1, a course in the muddy puppets: open a purse floor" Dante repeated questioningly; he couldn't read.

_"No you idiot" _said a voice in his head _"the curse of the bloody Muppets: open the cursed door"_

This made Dante jump; hearing a voice inside his head was strange for him, even realising that something was actually in there was a new and terrifying experience for him.

He walked into the hall and realised that there were lots of shiny things floating around.

Delirious with joy he strolled skipped around picking up the shiny red thingies.

He then came to the red door. _Gave 45 red orbs_ appeared in front of Dante.

It is said that the scream that Dante let out still echoes around that island today.

Still sniffling, Dante continued on. He went up the stairs and came to the crumpled figure on the ground.

A closer inspection told Dante that it was a Muppet.

Dante fought hard to stifle his scream of terror; Muppets scared him.

He jumped up the hole in the roof.

Once again Dante noticed something shiny.

_Authors Note: This will happen a lot so get used to it._

He grabbed it without realising where he got it.

As he walked away a dagger went flying past his head.

Dante realised that the thing that threw it at him was a Muppet.

Kermit the frog stood there holding two knives, flailing his arms wildly.

"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed in that weird kermitish greeting.

Dante was shaking "f-first you t-took over the t.v." he said, stuttering, "and n-now you're h-here too!"

With sudden anger Dante slashed wildly with his sword, making frog's legs out of Kermit.

Shiny things appeared where Kermit once was.

Dante made an important discovery just then.

If you kill monsters you will get shiny things.

He turned around and saw Miss Piggy standing there.

Dante then pumped her with lead.

She ran screaming "IIIII'LLLLLL BEEEEEE BAAAAAACK"

Dante continued on and came to the cursed door (after getting over the fact that he had to sacrifice his Precious shiny key to get there).

He tried to open the door but it wouldn't.

_The seventeen Muppets are my masters, there will be no admittance while my masters are here _was spoken in his head.

Dante sulked for a while then saw the circular stone in the corner of the room.

For fun he tried hitting it with his sword. It became shiny.

"SHINY" screamed Dante and he kept on hitting the stone to make it shiny. The platform he was standing on sunk into the ground.

He arrived in the circular room.

There stood a hell of a lot of Muppets.

"There he is!" yelled the remains of Miss Piggy.

"Attack!" commanded Gonzo (the purple one with a hook for a nose)

They were about as good at fighting as they were funny, so they were easily killed.

Dante picked up the shiny things and went back up.

The door unlocked.

Dante temporarily forgot how to open a door.

"Open!" he commanded.

The door didn't budge.

"OPEN!" he repeated louder.

The door still didn't budge.

Dante kicked it. Suddenly the door blasted open, the two sides moving, almost like lips.

_TRY THE DOORKNOB, GENIUS!_

Was screamed into Dante's head, giving him a headache.

"Oh, right, I knew that!" murmured.

He went through.

_MISSION COMPLETE_

_ORBS: 12,353,246_

Dante thought back.

Just after freaking out Miss Piggy, he went on a killing spree, picking up the shiny thingies.

_TIME: 13:34_

_RANK: C_

Dante couldn't believe it. For the first time in his life he managed to get a C.

_SAVE?_

"Save what?" asked Dante.

_NEVER MIND, STARTING NEXT MISSION._

Liked it? Want more to come?

Then review NOW! But like I said in the last chapter, progress will be slow.

But like I just said, REVIEW!


	3. The Shiny Sword & The Spider

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or any of it's characters.

(Or the Muppets)

Thanks for all the reviews that you've been sending. No thanks to the person who read this but didn't review, you know who you are, you're days are limited!

Here's my reply to the first of you who did review.

myshadow: thanks for the suggestion, I already think I have another story thought up (it's not a parody). Yay! I made it on to someone's favourite list!

VergilSparda666: you sent the first review I've ever gotten, thanks.

Scorch the Hedgehog: I've been reading some of your fics, I'll probably be reviewing you soon.

Chaos Sparda: thanks, I think that I've been reading some of you're fics too, I'll be in touch soon.

By the way, I'll be trying a different writing style because I noticed that you couldn't tell when the story started and when it ended in my last chapter, I'll also try and make my chapters longer, but that will make my updates slower.

Anyway, here is the third chapter of Yet Another DMC Parody.

Oh, and the Muppets will be making another appearance,

_CHAPTER3: THE BIG SHINY SWORD AND THE SPIDER_

Dante saw another notice in front of him, it read (even though Dante can't read)

_Mission 2: Coach of Death: Destroy the annoying Coach_

"Huh?" said Dante.

_"Find out what it means for yourself, jackass!"_ came the familiar voice.

"What what means?" asked Dante

_"What the notice means"_

"What notice?" asked Dante.

_"The one right in front of you"_

"There's a notice in front of me?"

_"YES! IT'S RIGHT THERE!"_

"That's a notice?"

_"YES! What did you think it was?"_

"What what was?"

_"THE NOTICE!"_

"What notice?"

_"THAT ONE!"_

"Cool, a notice!"

_"Just get on with it, braniac"_

"Okeydokey"

Dante found himself in a corridor filled with Muppets.

"EEEEEEEEEEEK!" he screamed (Muppets still scare him), heading for the door.

Once he was inside, he locked and barricaded the door.

He realised that he had shut himself inside his worse fear.

Dante slowly turned around.

He was in a library. Books were surrounding him; all of them filled with education.

Dante doesn't like learning

Dante started crying in the corner.

_It wasn't fair, first Muppets, now a library and learning? _thought Dante.

"Wimp" came a voice.

Dante jumped, after looking around he realised that the voice came from a shiny statue.

Dante's eyes widened. "Shiiiiiiiiinyyyy" he said dreamily.

"Imbecile" muttered the statue.

"Huh?" asked Dante.

"It's an insult" answered the statue.

"Oh" Dante started picking his nose.

"Ignoramus" grumbled the statue.

Dante copped on to what was going on; this statue was inside the library for God knows how long, he must have become a nerd.

"Heh, I used to beat up nerds like you in high school!" teased Dante.

"Spare me your absent-minded hooliganism" came the reply.

"Huh?" said Dante for the umpteenth time that day.

"Just shut up, please! Before you hurt yourself and let's get to business" the statue replied.

"Who are you?" asked Dante.

"I'm the god of time"

"What kind of stuff can you do?"

"I'll sell you items and teach you moves"

"What's that got to do with time?"

"Absolutely nothing"

"Then why-"

"Just shut up, please! I chose the name because it sounds cool, there! Are you happy!"

"Muffins" said Dante randomly.

"idiot" muttered the god.

Dante bought lots and lots of the shiny stars. _Remember all the orbs he got in the last level?_

He went back into the hallway. The Muppets were still there.

Dante sprayed them all with the shiny holy water.

Muppets, being pure evil, were wiped out.

Dante skipped down the corridor (while admiring his shiny stars) until he came to the end.

Dante's heart skipped a beat.

There was the mother of all shiny swords stuck into a painting of a clown; it was sparkling with electricity.

For the God-knows-how-many-ith time that day Dante was about to hear a voice in his head. By now he had to put some of the voices on hold.

_"I am Alastor!"_ Started the sword.

"Sorry, I'm gonna have to put you on hold" replied a voice.

Alastor had to wait for some guy named Earl to finish his conversation with Dante.

"Hello?" said Dante after a while.

_"I am Alastor! The weak shall give me their heart and swear their eternal-"_

Suddenly the sound of a phone ringing stopped Alastor.

_"Sorry, just a sec" _said Alastor.

_"Hello?" she asked _(or _he_ but I always imagined Alastor to be female)

_"Alastor, this is your mother! How come you haven't visited me lately?"_

came the other voice.

_"Mom, this isn't a good time!" _replied Alastor.

_"It's never a good time!"_

_"Goodbye, Mom"_

_"Don't you dare-"_

_"Anyway," _said Alastor, _"where was I? Oh yeah, I am Alastor! The weak shall give me their heart and swear their eternal loyalty to me!"_

Alastor went spinning off the wall, going towards Dante.

She missed.

"Déjà vu" said Dante.

The sword went spinning back into the wall.

_"Let's pretend that never happened, ok?" _said Alastor.

She went flying into Dante's chest.

"Painification" squeaked Dante.

Nothing happened.

Traffic went on.

Birds chirped.

Dante coughed.

_"Can you do something?"_ asked Alastor. Dante got up with Alastor still stuck in him.

Dante picked up Alastor and noticed something.

"The dream came true!" said Dante "I am shiny!"

He tried a few combos when a voice interrupted.

"You call that a combo?"

Dante turned around. The picture off the smiling clown was replaced with something that looked like a gym teacher.

The coach of Death.

There was an indent in the sculpture to put something.

"Swing that sword harder!" demanded the coach.

Dante swung harder.

"HARDER!" screamed the coach.

This went on for a while.

Dante realised that the only way to make the coach shut up was to give him the thing that was missing.

He walked away from the coach and went through the door at the side.

In there he found a shotgun.

"Pretty" he said.

He got the key, unlocked the door (after forgetting again how to unlock a door and Alastor having to explain) killed the Muppets, knocked back the altar and fell down the trapdoor.

He found what he was looking for, it was a whistle.

The thingie behind him rotated, letting him into the shotgun room.

He was just at the door when it blocked itself.

"AAAAAAGH!" he screamed "letmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeout!"

Three grim reaper wannabes holding scissors floated towards him.

These were known as sin-perverts, they like to castrate any man that got in their way.

They were once gay barbers when they were young humans, but Mundus took their soul and changed them.

Dante took this as a chance to become shiny.

"NYAHAHAHAHAH!" he screamed.

The sin-perverts were immediately frightened of this freak and tried to float away, but Dante managed to shoot one of them with his shotgun.

"Oh, be nice!" said the dying pervert in a high pitched voice.

Dante scared the other two off with the look on his face when he seen the shiny things left behind by the dead pervert.

The door unsealed itself.

Dante arrived back at the coach of death.

"What took you so long?" he barked "you need to work on that speed! Jog on the spot! Hup hup!"

Dante put the whistle around his neck to make him shut up.

"Waddya think you're doin'?" he snapped.

There was a silence for a while.

Then suddenly the coach yelled out "OOOOWWW MY MOUTH!"

His mouth opened wide and a light came out of it.

The mouth stretched wider and wider until it covered the whole wall.

Dante walked in.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 00:30_

_Orbs: 1123_

_Ranking: B_

"Wow, a B!" Dante had never got a B in his entire life.

_Save?_

Dante tried to read it.

"A Shave? Yes please"

_Saving……………_

"Where's my shave?" asked Dante angrily.

_Starting Next Mission_

"Where's my shave?" Dante repeated a bit louder.

_Mission 3: Employer of Ardor: Receive the Hide of Lion._

_Mission Start Power Up_

"What's that?" asked Dante.

_"It lets you buy stuff from the god of time"_

Dante selected it.

The god of time appeared.

"How may I help you-" he started, then he saw Dante "Oh, great, the Neanderthal"

"Huh?" said Dante.

"I don't want to put up with you for long, so either buy something or get out!" snapped the god of time.

Dante bought all the shiny purple stars, the shiny yellow ones, and the shiny faces.

He then proceeded to roll around on the floor.

"Pleasure overload" he said in a robotic voice.

"Whatever brain I had about to self-destruct"

There was a bang, and Dante started laughing maniacally.

_"Dante, are you all right?"_ asked Alastor.

There was a silence.

"Kangaroos" said Dante.

_"He's ok, no difference whatsoever"_ said Alastor.

Dante then bought all the moves for Alastor.

_Mission Start_

Dante was standing in a big cathedral-like place.

He walked up to the top and saw a lion Halloween costume.

There was an engraving on the stand that the costume was on.

It read _"The Hide of Lion is given only to those who are willing to pay 50 cent for it"._

Alastor had to read it out for Dante.

Dante didn't have 50 cent.

He then saw a neon sign point to the front door.

It read _"50 cent thataway" _

When Alastor told Dante what it meant, Dante ran as fast as he could towards the door yelling "Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney" etc.

Miraculously it was still day.

He ran up the bridge and Alastor told Dante what the notice said.

(_Go back from here with thy lion heart, and thou shall receive the Hide of Lion)_

Dante then received a shock from Alastor when he told her that he didn't have a lions heart.

Dante ran back to the door rubbing his butt where Alastor shocked him.

The bridge got struck by lightning and it blew apart, sending Dante into the sea.

He landed in the circular room and suddenly lots of paper mache heads floated down.

Dante saw a glint of metal by one the heads. It was a 50 cent coin.

Screaming maniacally, Dante started killing them all.

When he got to the last one, the head said "_WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!_"

"I want 50 cent" replied Dante.

"Well sheesh, you could've just asked!" said the head, giving Dante 50 cent.

A light glowed in the middle of the room, sending Dante flying upwards.

"Am I dead?" Dante asked Alastor.

Alastor shocked him for being so stupid.

When Dante arrived back at the Hide of lion the ground shook.

The roof smashed and a giant spider in a business suit came down.

He landed on Dante, making a squishing noise as if someone stood on an extraordinarily large slug.

"Haha!" the giant spider said "the Hide of Lion!"

"Hey!" said a muffled voice "I got here first, it's mine!"

Dante crawled out from under the spider.

Dante immediately recognised him as John Phantom, the maker of was basically Ebay with another name.

"It's mine!" said Phantom "and I'm gonna sell it on Ardor with a starting price of over $1,000,000!"

"Aaaaaaaagh!" said Dante, pointing behind Phantom "What's that?"

"Come on Dante," said Alastor "what are the chances that he'll fall for that old joke?"

Phantom, being even more of an idiot than Dante looked behind himself.

"What?" said Phantom.

Dante grabbed the Hide and ran for the door.

"Wait a minute," said Phantom "I don't see anything!"

"It's really small" said Dante.

He made it out the door.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 00:15_

_Orbs: 47_

_Ranking: C_

Wow, that went a lot faster than I thought it would.

You know what to do if you want more. REVIEW!

Ahem, sorry about that.

Anyway, if you have any suggestions for the story, just send them to me, though I mightn't put them in, but a little help would be great.

REVIEW!


	4. Chips & Sprinkles

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or any of it's characters.

Sorry about the wait, but as I keep saying, progress will be slow (and there's the fact that some motherfcking hacker changed my password and it took me ages to change it back!).

The chapters should be getting better, because I'm getting more and more used to writing this thing (It's my first fic) and I'm also getting into the more interesting part of the game, I'm also keep putting a bit at the start to thank the people who reviewed.

Chaos Sparda: I could've sworn that I read a story written by you, oh well, I guess the doctor was right when he said that I'll keep losing brain cells, anyway, hope you post your first fic soon.

Slash 101: Cool! I'm a good chappie! Good chappie! I deserve a dog treat!

Sydon: Don't worry, I'm going to write an idiot v idiot fight pretty soon. If not this chapter, then the next.

My old style of writing wasn't very good so I'm going to try a new one, review and tell me if you think I should change back or try a new one. And I'm going to keep my stories longer.

Also, before I forget, a friend of mine got insulted because I based Dante's obsession with shiny things on him and he wanted me to spread this message to all of you reading this: _ALL HAIL THE MASTER OF ALL SHINY THINGIES! ALL SHINY THINGIES WILL SOON BE UNDER HIS CONTROL! DO NOT BE MISLEADED NY THIS "DANTE" CHARACTER, HE IS NOT THE MASTER OF SHINY THINGIES!_

So anyway, without much further ado, the fourth chapter of Yet Another DMC Parody.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

_CHAPTER 4: Chips and Sprinkles._

_Mission4: Dark knight: Acquire the Melancholy Soul and defeat your brothe- I mean the Dark Knight._

Dante was running for his life.

He had already forgotten why.

Soon Phantom was right behind him.

"GIVE ME THE HIDE" he screamed.

As well as forgetting why he was running, Dante also forgot about the giant volcanic spider that was more than happy to rip him limb from limb.

"Hello" said Dante pleasantly "what's your name?"

He stuck out his hand.

Phantom, being an idiot as well, forgot who Dante was as well.

"My name's Phantom" he replied, shaking Dante's hand, "pleased to meet you".

They then continued chatting pleasantly for around 15 minutes, when suddenly, both their memories came back.

"AAAAAAAAAAACK!" screamed Dante and he then proceeded to run down the hallway screaming, his arms flailing wildly.

"COME BACK HERE YOU MISERABLE MEATBAG!" yelled Phantom.

Suddenly Phantom tripped and crashed into the ground, making one of those fire portal thingies that he makes.

"DAMN IT!" he shrieked.

Dante wondered what was down there and tried to dive in. As soon as he was an inch away, the portal closed and he managed to mush his face into the ground. He began crying. "Aw, not again" groaned Alastor.

He gave Dante a shock. Dante sprung up immediately. "Good morning!" he said stupidly. "Just get on with it," said Alastor.

Dante went through the door and stood in front of the statue of the lion. The barrier thingie vanished. Dante noticed the lion statue "AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he screamed, he then began running in circles. Even if the lion was alive he could've just got him then and there, Oh, well, lucky that didn't happen. Anyway, after a shock from Alastor Dante calmed down. Dante started hitting the statue for fun. It broke and collapsed.

Dante whistled and walked away. "You broke it, you idiot!" said Alastor.

"I didn't do it," replied Dante in defence "it was that black kitty thingie that's trying to kill me". Alastor rolled whatever eyes a sword has. The black kitty thing in question, however, did not like being a scapegoat, it then, as Dante said, tried to kill him.

_Authors Note: By the way, I'm gonna base this story on normal mode._

It charged at him. "KITTY!" shrieked Dante. He picked up the shadow and proceeded to hug him very tight and shake. "Can I keep him Alastor?" he asked with puppy-eyes.

"I dunno" said Alastor with a thoughtful voice "he's gonna be a big responsibility"

"Pwetty please?" asked Dante. "And there's the fact that he's gonna keep trying to kill you" said Alastor. "What if we neuter him?" asked Dante. "I suppose you can" replied Alastor. Upon hearing that, the shadow started struggling wildly. "I'm gonna call him Sprinkles!" stated Dante. Dante pinned the shadow down. With a swish, Alastor swung through the air and through the target.

With a shriek, the shadow bit Dante and limped away as fast as it could (it was a male). "Come back Sprinkles!" said Dante, tears began to flow down his face.

"I hate it when he does this" muttered Alastor.

Dante went through the door and fell down the tower. He hit the circle thingie and went up to the top. He got the sword, tripped and fell back down to the ground.

There was a sickening WHUMPH as Dante landed on his head. The "WHUMPH" was almost exactly the same sound as an iron bar hitting a hollow tree.

Dante remained balanced on his head for a while. "Thank god he didn't land on a place where it was possible to get damaged" said Alastor. Dante took this as a compliment.

He went back up to the door and went through. He was in a bedroom. He heard grunting noises. He turned to the corner and there was the god of time with another statue. They seemed very busy. The god realised that Dante was watching. "CAN'T I GO A HALF AN HOUR WITHOUT YOU BEING THERE!" he screamed.

"Cookies" stated Dante.

"Never mind" muttered the god.

Dante saw the sculpture of the woman with the soul in her mouth.

"DIE BITCH!" yelled Dante with sudden anger, he stabbed the sculpture with the sword he got.

"OW!" it screamed "FINE! Take it!"

The soul fell out of it's mouth. Suddenly Dante felt a strange feeling, as if someone was watching him. He noticed the mirror. He groomed himself. "Who's a handsome devil?" he asked the mirror. "Not you" it replied. Dante jumped. The mirror wasn't supposed to do that. His reflection walked out of the mirror and turned into Michael Jackson. Dante screamed like a little girl. "DAMN IT!" yelled Michael "WRONG FORM!" It changed into Nelo Angelo. "Hello Vergil" said Dante. Vergil realised that he forgot his mask. He went back in the mirror and came back out wearing a mask.

"I'm not your brother" he stated. "Okeydokey Vergil" replied Dante. "STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Nelo screamed, stamping his feet on the ground.

There was a silence for a while. "Who're you?" asked Dante. "That's better" said Nelo. He clicked his fingers and the door opened. He jumped out. Dante followed.

Dante landed in the court-type thingie. He looked around. No one else was there. Suddenly Nelo jumped down. He landed flat on his face. "The pain" he whimpered.

Dante swiped at him with Alastor. "OWCH!" he yelled.

A fight scene commenced. Nelo was slashing with all his might, while Dante was running in circles around him.

Eventually Nelo hit Dante. Dante started to cry and sucked his boo-boo.

Nelo picked Dante up by the collar. Dante's pendant slipped out and touched Nelo.

Nelo thought it was a bee and flew away, screaming.

_MISSION COMPLETE_

_TIME: 23:12_

_ORBS: 500_

_RANKING: B_

Dante was in tears of joy "my first B!" he said.

_RANKING BONUS: 200_

_BOSS BONUS: 500_

_SAVING…_

_MISSION 5: The guiding of the Soul: Reach the destination before the time runs out._

Dante looked at the door. The shadow came through. "SPRINKLES!" squeaked Dante "I knew you'd come back!" Sprinkles jumped into the air and turned into a spinning blade. "CHOP MY BALLS OF, WILL YA!" it yelled. It missed Dante. Dante took out his trusty saddle that he always brings with him. He put it on Sprinkles and got on.

"Giddy up!" he said like a little schoolboy. "GETHIMOFFMEGETHIMOFFME!" Sprinkles yelled and ran as fast as he could. Dante arrived at the door within seconds.

_MISSION COMPLETE_

_TIME: 00:00:42_

_ORBS: 0_

_RANKING: S_

_RANKING BONUS: 800_

_SAVING…_

_MISSION 6: Evil of the Waterways: Get Through the Sewers Alive_

Dante was in a sewer. He was waist deep in … well… you know.

"CHOCOLATE!" he yelled, he started to eat the sewage.

"Dante, that's not chocolate, that's.." started Alastor. "Hmm?" replied Dante, his face was covered in manure. "Never mind" said Alastor.

When he had taken his fill, Dante went on through the tunnel.

He went into the pipe room. He took the key. Suddenly insects crawled out of the pipes. "Ewwww" Dante said; he didn't like insects. He cowered in the corner. One of the insects made a disgusting noise, Dante stood up; that was it, and he wouldn't let his fears take over him. He tried killing an insect. The insect flapped its wings and buzzed. Dante screamed and charged through the locked door. Who was he kidding?

He crossed the bones on the floor. The barriers went up and the demon floated in.

This was a new one. It was called a Death-pervert. It was like the sin-perverts, but this one was more gay-ish and more deadly.

But, being gay, it screamed like a little girl when it saw the manure on Dante's face.

To top it all Dante wiped it on the perverts cloak. It floated away screaming "CURSE YOU! I'LL NEVER GET THAT STAIN OUT!"

Dante went to the shiny thingie and picked it up.

_MISSION COMPLETE_

_TIME: 20:05_

_ORBS: 0_

_RANKING: D_

_RANKING BONUS: 50_

_SAVING…_

_MISSION 7: Holding the Key of Bring the Key to the Destination Before It Destroys You_

The shiny thing was a microchip. On it was labelled It started hurting Dante. He started running down the hallway, screaming.

Meanwhile…

Phantom got out of his portal. The microchip was gone. Without it, he wouldn't be able to turn on "WHERES MY CHIP?" he roared.

He looked down the corridor. There was Dante, running away, holding the chip.

He chased after him. "GIVE ME THE CHIP!" he yelled.

Dante looked back and screamed. He also thought back; he had been in a similar incident just the day before.

_FLASHBACK_

Dante was sitting in a diner with no money. He had his puppy-eyes on and hoped that someone would feel sorry for him and buy him something. He suddenly noticed that an incredibly large man had just bought a packet of chips. Dante grabbed it and ran like hell, the fat man in hot pursuit. "GIVE ME BACK THE CHIP!" he yelled. Dante slammed the door in his face.

_END FLASHBACK_

Dante realised that he should do the same thing again.

Phantom was just about to grab Dante._ Just a little closer_ he thought.

Dante slammed the door in his face. "Take that, fatty!" Dante screamed.

"What the hell?" said Phantom.

Dante arrived at the bedroom and was just about to put the chip where he was supposed to when he tripped. He got up again. He tripped again. He re-tied his shoelaces. They came apart. He tripped. This went on for a while, much to Alastors amusement.

Dante finally put the chip in the thingie.

_MISSION COMPLETE_

_TIME: 00:03_

_ORBS: 0_

_RANKING: C_

_-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --_

Whew, that was long. I actually managed to put 4 missions in the one chapter.

AND a whole chapter without Dante becoming obsessed with shiny thingies.

Oh, and by the way Sydon, you'll get your Idiot v Idiot fight in the next chapter.

You know what I want you to do, people, REVIEW!


	5. Spider's Endgame

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry yadda yadda, you get the idea.

Right, to business, sorry about the mistakes that went in to my fourth chapter, those of you who had no idea what the hell was supposed to be happening, I've replaced it with a fixed version (notice that the name of the chapter went from Spiders and Sprinkles to Chips and Sprinkles).

Sorry for the inconvenience and I'll try to make sure they don't happen again.

Don't worry, Scorch the Hedgehog, I'm not intending on giving up on this, some chapters are gonna take a hell of a lot longer than others.

And for those who never played normal mode and never played all of the secret missions, a shadow is a completely black wildcat that is made out of shadows and can change form.

By the way, I'm gonna do my first real fight scene (as requested by Sydon) so tell me what you think.

Any ideas at all for the story and I'll see if I can put them in, because I'm running short of ideas myself.

And if I ever want to put in any Authors Notes I'm gonna put it like this: _AN:_.

Anyway, here's my fifth chapter of Yet Another DMC Parody.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- 

_Chapter 5: Spiders Endgame_

Dante was standing on the ledge before the huge fall. "Whoaaaah" he groaned.

"What now!" asked Alastor in an annoyed voice. "What would you say if I told you that I'm afraid of heights?" replied Dante in a voice that suggested puking.

"I'd probably tell you that if you don't jump I'll shock you so much that it'll make Frankenstein look like a little schoolgirl that has a phobia of electricity, why'd you ask?" said Alastor coolly. " Umm… never mind" Dante replied.

He just got to the very edge of the ledge when he couldn't hold it in any longer.

He puked over the side.

_Meanwhile……_

Several million mole-people were digging their way up to the surface.

Mole Leader#1: Soon we shall get to those humans!

ML (Mole Leader)#2: Then we shall destroy them all!

ML#1: Isn't that a little psychotic?

(Their drills brake through the surface)

ML#2: Yeah, your right man

ML#1: Don't you realise that we can all live together in harmony, man?

ML#2: Yeah, we are all sons of the soil.

ML#1: Make love, not war!

ML#2: I love you, man!

ML#1: I love you too, man!

ML#2: I can't wait to give these humans a great big hug!

(They poke their heads out of the ground, the soldiers swap their weapons with flowers)

ML#1: Not if I get there first!

(The puke hits them in the face)

ML#1: Blaaaaargh! What's this?

ML#2: It appears to be vomit.

ML#1: These humans are disgusting!

ML#2: And to think, we were going to live in harmony with them!

ML#1: Screw that! ATTAAACK!

They are then all crushed to death by a common housefly.

_Back at Dante…_

Dante managed to jump across.

_Mission 8: Return of the Legendary Dark Knight: Use the mechanism to escape the castle._

"Whuh?" said Dante.

_"I'm not gonna go through this with you again!" _said the familiar voice.

"Who said that" replied Dante with a scared voice.

_"Your Mother"_ answered the voice, trying to be mean.

"Hi Mom!" said Dante.

_"It was a joke, I'm not your mother"_

"Okay, Mom!" said Dante "I gotta go now"

_"Whatever"_

Dante took a look around. By the looks of it, it was a furnace. Plenty of fire.

Dante liked fire. _AN: Oh, boy, here we go again…_

He liked fire as much as he liked shiny things. Alastor recognised that look in his eyes.

She groaned. "Dante," she said "whatever you do, don't go into the light!"

Dante started to hump the iron bars of the furnace. Alastor was not amused. "GET OFF IT!" she screamed. Dante pined. "BAD DOG!" she roared. Dante put on his puppy eyes. "THAT'S IT," she yelled "NO WALKIES FOR YOU TODAY!". That made Dante stop.

Dante went through the door.

He noticed the giant glass on the floor. He pressed his face up against it.

Just as he did that, two monsters were unfortunate enough to look up at that same moment. They saw Dante's face squashed against the glass. One of them fainted. The other is still in the lunatic asylum locked up in a soundproof room. He is still screaming and they can't get him to stop.

Anyway Dante went on after Alastor gave him a lecture about how someone could be seriously hurt by doing that.

Dante was just at the archway when the steel gate came down. On his foot. Ouch.

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!" was the response.

_Meanwhile… _

The mole people were just recovering from the vicious onslaught of the giant beast (the housefly) when they heard a great noise that actually managed to pop some of the soldiers.

ML#1: What was that?

ML#2: These humans must be in control of great sound weapons.

ML#1: No matter what the peril, we will go through with this war!

Mole soldier: Sir! Our men are dying!

ML#1: Send a messenger back to the earth's core, get the hospitals ready.

ML#2: We'll be back!

_Back at Dante…_

Phantom was just going to get Dante from behind and have a quick kill, it would be easy. Suddenly the scream cut through the air. Phantom stumbled and fell off the wall he was climbing down.

Dante was sucking his foot (I don't know how he did it, but he actually managed to put the foot in his mouth like a baby) when he heard the **THUMPH**.

He turned around and screamed like a little girl. Phantom crawled right up to Dante's face (poor Phantom) and said " Recess time is over, boy!"

"Aaaaaaw," said Dante "5 more minutes, please?"

Like I said, Phantom was every bit of an idiot as Dante was.

"No," he replied "recess has been on long enough, and Timmy told me you pushed him!". "He pushed me first!" stated Dante. "Who's Timmy?" asked Alastor. They ignored her. "You're lucky that you're not in detention!" said Phantom with a hint of anger in his voice. "But he pushed me first!" whined Dante. Alastor had no idea what was going on. "Were you going somewhere when you said, "recess time is over, boy"?" she asked.

Phantom thought back.

"Oh, yeah!" he said. He turned back to being a murderous volcanic spider.

"Recess time is over, boy!" he said again. "Aaaaaaw" said Dante.

"Not again…" said an exasperated Alastor.

_10 minutes later………_

"Recess time is over, boy!" said Phantom "here there's plenty of room to get reeeaaal nasty!"

"About damn time!" said Alastor.

Phantom swung his pincers at Dante.

Dante got knocked back several yards. He whooped "Whoooooaaaaaah! Again again!

Alastor shocked him "DO YOU WANT TO DIE!" she screamed "GET IN THERE AND TRY NOT TO TURN IT INTO A JOKE!". Dante got up and for the first time in his life got serious and actually used his head (he's still an idiot though).

Dante gripped Alastor tight and charged at Phantom, slashing wildly.

If only he actually hit Phantom… oh well, better luck next time.

Phantom spat a fireball at Dante and Dante had the sense to dodge it. He could admire some fire later. Dante, having already bought all the moves for Alastor, stingered Phantom in the mouth. Phantom retaliated with a sting from his tail.

The tail missed completely. Dante tried a swing with Alastor. That also missed.

This went on for a while and nobody got hurt.

Phantom tried to cut Dante in half with a pinch from his pincers, but Dante ducked.

The pincer cut some of Dante's hair.

There was silence.

The clouds stopped moving.

All traffic stopped.

People in the streets stopped walking.

Birds stopped chirping.

Michael Jackson stopped screwing a crying kid.

Dante seriously regretted ducking.

Alastor took a deep intake of air to prepare herself from what she knew would definitely happen.

Phantom had no idea what was going on.

Dante stood up to his full height and glared at Phantom.

A voice that did not sound like Dante's boomed out in a low voice "You shall pay for what you've done"

Phantom took a step back. "I-I didn't do anything!" he stuttered in a whiny voice "I swea-" "SILENCE!" interrupted Dante. Phantom kept backing up until his back hit the wall. Dante's shadow put him in the shade. Dante devil-triggered without realising it. Phantom begged for mercy. Dante realised that he was shiny. His face broke into a retarded smirk. He rose slowly into the air (using his wings of course) and struck Phantom with lightning.

Or, rather, _tried_ to strike Phantom with lightning. As soon as he pulled back his arm to fire, he ran out of devil-trigger. He fell flat on his face. He looked up. Phantom was there cracking his knuckles.

Dante forced a grin "Eh-heh, sorry about that, no hard feelings, right?". He tried to shine Phantom's feet. Phantom scowled. Dante wrote his will. Phantom pulled back his tail, ready to kill.

Dante ran like hell. "COME BACK HERE!" roared Phantom as he chased after Dante.

Things wouldn't' have gone well for Dante, but at that exact moment, Dante's banana from lunch earlier slipped out of his pocket. With a "whoopsie!" Phantom tripped on the banana skin and fell into the window on the floor.

Phantom landed on the statue of the knight on the horse and landed on the knight's spear.

He started yelling with the pain. When he calmed down he looked up at Dante. "You!" he said, "you're not just any ordinary human, what are you?". Dante replied "eggs".

_AN: Dante is a complete idiot so he will keep saying random things, get used to it._

"Eggs?" said Phantom thoughtfully "yes I remember, eggs, that competition…" he took a closer look at Dante " the Legendary Sparda!" he exclaimed. "Where?" asked Dante excitedly. "He's talking about you, stupid!" said Alastor. Phantom died.

At that exact moment, Trish snuck into the hall with Mundus's supply of beer.

_Heh-heh_ she thought. She drained several kegs and looked up. Dante was looking down. In her drunken sight, Trish thought she saw Sparda. "Spar-hic! SPARDA!" she screamed. Dante looked around him. "Seriously," he said, "I can't see Sparda anywhere! Where does everyone see him?".

Trish thought she saw Dante (or Sparda as she thought) fly up to the sun, push it away a few metres, pull it back and fly back down while Pinkie the Elephant played the tambourine. "Incred-hic incredible power! -hic" she said.

Dante walked away.

Dante picked up the trident.

"A giant fork!" he said with a giant grin "now I can eat my giant dinner!" he pulled a huge t.v dinner from his pocket (how he fit it in there only God knows) and ate it happily. Alastor didn't bother asking.

Dante saw the skeleton in the corner.

"Oh my God!" he said with a confused voice "how come nobody knew that something so valuable was in this corner for God knows how long and never took it?".

"Yeah," said Alastor, for the first time agreeing with Dante "just look at that grenade laun-" "Look at this pretzel!" Dante butted in and he then picked up a pretzel that was beside the skeleton and ate it.

"I was talking about the grenade launcher," said Alastor in an exasperated voice.

Dante took a look at the grenade launcher. "It's alright I suppose," he said "but it's no pretzel!". Alastor shocked him.

Dante then realised his mistake. The grenade launcher was shiny. BUM BUM BUMMMMMM!

Dante got in a really weird mood and went around blowing up everything the room while laughing maniacally.

He then also noticed the shiny thingie that needed to be hit. He did so.

He fell down the ladder (anybody with half a brainstem would have used the ladder to get down, but since when did Dante have half a brainstem?) and shoved the trident into the face thingie. The gate opened.

Dante ran out the door and blew up every enemy in sight with his new shiny weapon.

His teeth were chattering and his eye was twitching. He was chanting "shinyshinyshinyshinyshiny" in a continuous loop.

He finally managed to get to the front door.

_MISSION COMPLETE_

_TIME: 01:31_

_ORBS: 12'321_

_RANKING: A_

Dante couldn't believe it. This was the best day of his idiotic life.

_SAVING………_

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- 

There goes another chapter, my fic's growing up so fast "sniff".

Anyway it was a big change from 4 missions in the one chapter to 1.

Ah well I think it was long enough.

I based Dante's love for fire on myself. Kinda like the way I based his love for shiny things on a friend of mine.

Anyway, any ideas? If so review.

Don't have any ideas? If so review.

Couldn't be bothered to click on that teeny little button on the screen that'll put you back to the other stories? If so review.

I think I've made my point.

Hell, I'll be grateful for a bad review that lectures me on every teensy mistake I've made.

But whatever you do, DO NOT FLAME ME!


	6. The Power of Coconuts

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or any of its characters. I don't own the Muppets either (this will hopefully be their last appearance). I don't own Chuckie the clown either. Whoever made that horror film does.

I'm probably gonna get really and utterly tired of writing those disclaimers. Anyway, let's think, Authors Notes… Emm… Oh, yeah, I might be writing a more serious Devil May Cry story after this. I have three different ideas. Review and tell me which one you'll prefer.

Vergil and Dante work together to stop a similar enemy.

Dante and Trish go to Ireland to solve a case (yes, I'm Irish)

Little snippets from Dante and Vergils childhood (no intention of copying Ayla Curtis)

Let me know which one you want sent first (I'll probably get round to them all eventually). And will someone please invite me to a C2 community? I feel so lonely!

Just to let you know, I'm not done with the mole people, they'll keep ending up in the story one way or other.

Here we go.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

_Chapter 6: The Power of Coconuts_

_Mission 9: New Strength: Use the New Strength to Open the Door_

"Hi Mom!" said Dante.

_"I told you, I'm not your mother, you idiot!"_

"Then why did you say that you were?"

_"It was a joke dammit! Why do you have to take _things_ so seriously?"_

"I like coconuts!" Dante yelled loudly so the whole world could hear.

_"Why the hell did you say that?"_

"The doctor says that I have worms" stated Dante offhandedly.

_"Uuurgh! Just go and start the mission!"_

"Bye Mom!"

_"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"_

"Stop calling you Mom?"

_"YES! PLEASE!"_

"Alrighty then, Bye Mother!"

_"Aaaaargh! I KIIIIIIIILLL YOOOOUUUU!"_

Dante was already gone.

He found himself on a bridge. Dante then thought it would be fun to spit over the side.

At that very moment the God of Time was standing below. He was wearing a backpack and a bowler hat. He took in a deep breath. "Ah, the great outdoors!" he said, "maybe now I can go somewhere peaceful without that ape finding me…"

Suddenly a wad of spit hit him on the head. He looked up. Another wad of spit hit him in his left eye. "Uuurgh! Disgusting!" he yelled. Dante recognised his voice. "HELLO!" he yelled down at the god.

The God of Time realised who it was. "Oooooh, no" he muttered, "No, no" he said a little louder. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" he screamed, "WHY! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE AND MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL!"

Dante thought that he was starting a shouting competition.

"I LIKE EGGS!" he yelled down.

"_WHAT!_" came the reply.

"DING-DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!" sang Dante loudly.

"PLEASE SHUT UP! I BEG YOU, GO AWAY INTO A DARK HOLE SOMEWHERE AND CURL UP AND DIE!"

"POTATOES!"

The God of Time started crying out loud.

"HAH!" yelled Dante; "I WIN!"

"Come on, let's go," said Alastor. "Okeydokey" said Dante.

He went along until he came outside the winding staircase. Dante flinched and jumped back. "What's wrong?" asked Alastor. "I'm not going down there," said Dante simply.

"And why the hell not?" asked Alastor in an annoyed voice.

_AN: You're not just imagining it, Alastor is getting annoyed a lot in this fic, well you would too if you were in her place._

"It's dark and scary down there" said Dante. "And?" said Alastor. "And I'm afraid of the dark…" muttered Dante in an undertone.

"WHAT KIND OF HALF-DEMON ARE YOU!" shrieked Alastor. "Coconut" said Dante.

Alastor thought for a while. "How about this," she said "I'm gonna shock you non-stop until you go down there, O.K?". "No" replied Dante in a worried voice.

"Too bad" said Alastor with a hint of pleasure in her voice.

Dante was suddenly covered in electricity. "YAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!" screamed Dante. He ran down the stairs as fast as he could. He reached the door. "Good boy!" said Alastor in a happy voice that she hadn't used since she met Dante.

"Coconuts" said Dante in response. "That's your favourite word isn't it?" asked Alastor. Dante nodded, "do not underestimate the power of coconuts" he stated.

When they went out the door, Dante could've sworn that he seen a snorkel zooming around the ground. Much to his confusion, more snorkels came up to him.

"Alastor?" Dante said in a scared voice. "Yeah?" replied Alastor. "I think I've gone insane" Dante whimpered. "I thought that the moment I met you, but I think I've gone crazy as well" said Alastor.

Suddenly loads of Blades shot out of the ground. Dante screamed and jumped to the ground, hands covering his head. The Blades looked at him as though he was insane (as he might actually be) and one of them said "Dudes, this guys fcked up!".

"Yeah!" agreed another "Let's kill him, man!" They all pounced at him. Dante started crying and sniffing, and there appeared to be a dark spot in his pants.

The Blades stopped. "Whoaaaa, what's wrong with this guy?" asked the first one. "Are you ok, man?" asked the other.

Dante shook his head and continued to piss himself and cry.

"Dudes, I just lost my appetite," said a Blade. "What'll we do now?" asked one. "I know!" said another "lets all go and get stoned!".

Cheering and whooping, the Blades left.

There was silence for a while. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" screamed Alastor.

"That," said Dante "was my plan all along! I freaked them all out so they would go away!".

Silence.

"It was!" demanded Dante.

"Suuuuure it was" said Alastor sarcastically.

"But I swea-" started Dante. "Just move on" interrupted Alastor.

Dante followed the pretty blue flames to the courtyard while singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" while Alastor was doing the best job a sword can to cover her ears.

When they got to the courtyard, Dante stopped singing and looked up. There were platforms levitating in mid-air.

"Well," said Alastor "Up you go". Dante didn't move, he was still looking up.

"Up you go!" repeated Alastor. Dante still didn't move and he started whimpering. "Why won't you go up?" asked Alastor, for the first time since she met Dante, concerned.

"It's reeaaally high up," said Dante in a dazed voice. "Oh, no" said Alastor as she realised what was going on as she remembered what Dante said less than half an hour ago; he was afraid of heights.

Alastor gulped; she knew the only way to get him up there, and it wasn't going to be fun.

"Dante," she said in an exasperated voice "is that fire I see up there?"

The effect was immediate. In less than 10 seconds Dante managed to jump up the wall, hit the switch and jump from platform to platform all while chanting "firefirefirefire, fire is pretty, yes my precious it is, firefirefirefire" etc.

When he got to the main platform he saw the fiery thingie.

On the stool type thingie was a pair of flaming horned gloves on a pillow, wearing a sleeping cap. It was snoring.

Dante stood there admiring it for a while. Then he wondered what would happen if he woke it up. "WAKE UP!" he screamed. To Dante it seemed that the flaming gauntlets jumped. The sleeping hat fell of and the pillow burned to ashes.

The gauntlets rose into the air. A voice came from them. "I AM IFRIT! THE FOOL WHO WOKE ME UP SHALL PAY DEARLY WITH THE FIRE OF HELL!"

Dante stood there with his mouth open, drool was flowing freely out.

Ifrit was confused. "You're the one that woke me up aren't you? Cos' this must be the third time today that someone woke me up". Dante remained motionless. There was a silence. Dante realised that Ifrit was talking to him. "Coconuts" he said with a voice that suggested that Dante thought he was a genius. Ifrit looked at Alastor questioningly. "Don't bother asking" said Alastor in a bored voice. "Why the hell did he just say "Coconuts"?" asked Ifrit. "He's an idiot" replied Alastor. "But-" started Ifrit. "Don't bother asking, I don't know" said Alastor.

_AN: I refer to Alastor as a female and I'm gonna refer to Ifrit as a male._

"Why the hell are you still going around with him then?" asked Ifrit.

"He comes in handy sometimes" was Alastor's reply.

"How?"

"He's Sparda's son"

"That idiot?"

"Yeah, I know, I don't think Sparda was an idiot, must've come from his mothers side"

Dante was stung by the insult directed to his mother. "Coconuts!" he said indignantly.

Ifrit and Alastor both stared at him (well, as much as two weapons can). Ifrit burned him like a Christmas turkey.

"Nice job" said Alastor appreciatively.

"Thanks, will that come in handy later?"

"All the time, that's how you get him to do what you want and let him know when he said something stupid"

"Kinda like a dog"

"Yes, but less intelligent"

Dante realised that his clothes were burning. "Pretty" he said. Then slow realisation dawned on him that burning clothes is bad. "YEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRGHH!" he yelled. He jumped off the platform and started running around, flailing his arms wildly, and screaming "FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE!"

_Meanwhile…_

The mole people reached the surface with more and better equipment.

ML#1: Right, this time we will get the humans!

ML#2: We have to be careful though.

ML#1: Why? We have ten times more soldiers than last time!

ML#2: Wait a minute, what's that sound?

ML#1: Not again!

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHH!

ML#2: EARMUFFS, PEOPLE!

(All the soldiers put on earmuffs. Ten minutes later they take them off)

ML#1: Hah! Nice try, humans!

ML#2: Right, to work! FORWARD MARCH!

(The soldiers start marching forward. After a half an hours march the scouts report something funny up ahead. After a while they come in sight of Dante)

ML#1: What's that?

ML#2: It appears to be a giant man shaped flame.

ML#1: It's coming closer!

ML#2: Send the fourth squadron out there to meet it!

Captain of the fourth squad: Chaaaaaarge!

(Dante steps on all of the 4th squad without realising anything happened)

ML#1: RETREEEAAAAAT!

_Back at Dante…_

Dante was lying on the ground smoking. He was still yelling "fire" but it had died down to a murmur.

Ifrit was enjoying himself. "That was fun!" he said happily "let's do that again!"

"Nah" said Alastor let's get going. "Oh well" said Ifrit with a sigh.

"You know," said Alastor "It's nice to have someone intelligent to talk to".

As Alastor and Ifrit were chatting, a BIG bird teleported on top of a building nearby.

Dante's eyes widened when he saw it. Alastor screamed. Ifrit gasped.

The bird had about four heads on the one neck, but they were formed to look like one mouth. Then he spoke in a deep booming voice.

"ARE YOU THE HUMAN THAT CHALLENGES THE DARKNESS, MUNDUS?"

Dante had his mouth open in shock. "Y-you're a b-big bird" he stuttered.

The bird (his name is Griffon) got offended, as loads of people call him fat and he was not about to take crap from a mortal. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE MIGHTY GRIFFON!" he yelled.

Dante looked around him "The mighty Griffon?" he squeaked in fright "Where?".

Griffon was getting more and more annoyed by the second. He gritted his beak (since he doesn't have teeth) and tried his best to remain calm "I'm Griffon" he said in a strangely pleasant voice.

Dante burst out laughing. Ifrit and Alastor were making a futile attempt to elbow Dante, failing because they didn't have elbows.

Griffon got completely pissed off.

"You can't be Griffon!" Dante said between fits of laughter.

"And why not?" snapped Griffon, his anger becoming more and more evident.

"You're too fat!" said Dante. Griffon snapped.

"THAT'S IT!" he roared "YOU DIE NOW!"

And so the fight begun.

Griffon blasted wave after wave of electricity at Dante, who was dodging by using his famous battle manoeuvre "running in circles like a complete idiot" which was working well. After a while the electricity was getting closer and closer to Dante. Suddenly a blast hit Dante. Griffon smiled to himself. Dante's eyes watered. Alastor realised what happened. "Oh crap" she murmured. "What?" asked Ifrit. "You'll find out soon enough," she replied "and it won't be pretty, Griffon should say his prayers now".

The electricity frizzed Dante's hair up.

_Inside Dante's Head_

The two braincells that Dante had were playing table tennis.

Suddenly they both started screaming.

Braincell#1: Aaaaaargh! NOT AGAIN!

Braincell#2: Duh, we should kill whoever done this!

Braincell#1: Uhh, agreed!

_AN: They're saying "duh" and "Uhh" because they're what make Dante an idiot._

_Back outside…_

Griffon and Ifrit had no idea what was going on.

Suddenly Dante devil-triggered (using Ifrit) and took out Ebony & Ivory.

Dante spoke with a voice that seemed to echo. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" he roared. He fired, shooting flaming bullets at Griffon.

What was really surprising everyone was the fact that the bullets weren't missing.

With a shrill screech Griffon struck Dante with his wings. Dante was sent flying back into the wall. He lay there for a while.

Silence.

Dante got up, no longer flaming. His eyes were back to normal. He put his hair back in place. Griffon took this as a chance to beat the living crap out of Dante.

Griffon continued to beat Dante up for a while. Dante wasn't even fighting back.

After a really nasty blow Dante was sent flying back again.

He was badly bruised and he was bleeding in places he didn't like to think about.

"Come on!" groaned Alastor. "Fight back or you'll get your ass kicked even worse!" said Ifrit.

"Forget it," said Alastor with a defeated voice "he won't survive the next ten minutes"

Suddenly Dante opened his eyes and he had a grin on his face. "I already told you, Alastor" he said as he got up "not to underestimate the power of…" he searched through his backpack, he took out a certain hairy fruit, using Ifrit he ignited it and with all his strength he threw it at Griffon, "COCONUTS!" he yelled, finishing his earlier sentence. Griffon flew off, shrieking.

"I can't believe it Dante," said Alastor in a shocked voice "you actually beat him!"

"I know," said Dante in a proud voice "I'm just that good". "Seriously though Dante" said Alastor "Phantom was an idiot, but Griffon? You must be smarter than I thought!"

"Huh?" asked Dante in a dull voice while he was picking his nose.

"Forget I said anything," said Alastor.

Dante walked up to the door that needs you to set the bit to the right of it on fire. He tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. "Why won't it open?" he asked.

Ifrit sighed. "Look there," he said in a slow voice so that Dante would understand "there's a flame here, but not there, what do you think you have to do?".

Dante thought for a while. After a while his face put on a puzzled look. "I have to dance around the door while singing "Zip-de-dee-do-da"? How will that open the door?" he asked.

Alastor shocked him the hardest she ever did while Ifrit burned him. Ifrit did Dante a favour and set a fire on the side of the door, opening it.

Dante walked in. He found himself in the misty forest thingie. He was just about to open the door out of there when he heard a voice. "NOT SO FAST!" it said.

"OK" said Dante. He turned to the door and tried to open it as if he was in slow motion. "JUST STOP!" came the voice again.

Dante turned to see who was speaking. Kermit the frog was coming towards him. Dante gasped. "Y-you're dead!" he yelled in a shocked voice. "No-one can kill the Muppets!" said Kermit "We will just be super-glued back together!"

Miss Piggy walked up beside him "We have someone that's dying to meet you!" she said "BRING HIM IN, BOYS"

Dante squinted his eyes. Coming in from the distance was a figure that Dante recognised as the figure that terrified him as a child, the figure that starred in the horror film that he wasn't meant to see at his age. It was Chuckie the clown.

Dante started backing up in terror. Chuckie came closer, grinning. Dante knew he had to do something. Just before Chuckie swiped at him with his weapon, Dante fired up Ifrit and hit Chuckie as hard as he could. Chuckie went on fire. He started screaming and running away into the night (actually it was day, but this sounds cooler).

The Muppets gulped. "RUN!" yelled Kermit. All the Muppets went through the door that Dante previously tried to open. Dante ran after them, laughing maniacally.

The God of Time was behind the door. "YOU!" he shrieked as soon as he saw Dante.

"I want to buy some moves" said Dante. "Tough!" replied the God of time.

"I have lots of money," said Dante. "Forgive and forget is what I always say!" said the God in a sudden change of heart. Dante then bought all the moves for Ifrit (and of course some more shiny things).

He walked out of the little room he was in. The Muppets were hiding behind some gravestones. Dante narrowed his eyes. "Let's get it on!" he yelled.

Using Alastor and Ifrit he killed them all, getting lots of shiny things. Dante was overjoyed; he was combining some of his favourite things in life together; fire, shiny things and violence.

His teeth chattered as he killed some more Muppets as he chanted "fireshinyfireshinyfireshiny!" in a continuous loop. He opened the door that let out a lot of wind.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 01:32_

_Orbs: A Hell of a Lot, I Stopped Counting_

_Ranking: B_

_Saving…_

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Another chapter finished. I'm not sure, but I think that this is my longest chapter so far.

Don't forget to tell me which of the three stories listed at the top of the fic you want. Also, please don't forget to invite me to a C2 community!

Anyway, I can't stress this out enough, if you have any ideas TELL ME so I can put it in, Anonymous or not.


	7. Misty Confusion

Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or any of it's characters.

I'm Baaaack! (and probably going to be killed for taking so long)

I know, I know, it's been a while since I last updated, but only recently I got a new computer and all my files were gone so I lost my workings for this chapter.

Yes, the fonts are all gone, this is because when I got my new computer, the word processor that it got couldn't be loaded onto the site, so I had to transfer the story to a Notepad.

Thanks to all those who reviewed.

And about Dante's hairstyle, the whole world has a problem with it and we'll never have any peace as far as it's concerned.

And if you're concerned about the quality of my work for the past while, I'm a victim of writer's block.

Chapter 7: Misty Confusion

_Mission 10: Canyon of the Mist: Come Out of the Canyon Alive._

Dante walked through the big windy door.

He looked around; all that was in sight was covered in thick mist.

Dante put on his confused look.

"Alastor?" he asked with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"Hmm?" replied Alastor.

"I thought that I was too young to have cataracts in my eyes,"

Ifrit burst out laughing while Alastor introduced Dante to a world of pain.

"ITS MIST, DAMMIT!" she screeched, her patience once again tested.

Lets keep in mind that Alastor's patience is the size of an ant's brain.

Still sniffing, Dante walked on.

Straight ahead was the pillar with the riddle on it, but since there was so much mist around, Dante walked right into it with a loud THUNK!

Dante started crying; he stubbed his toe. Alastor soothed him.

"There, there," she said comfortingly "it'll all be over soon."

Dante took off his boot and wiggled his toes. He looked at Ifrit hopefully.

Alastor explained; "he wants you to kiss it better."

Ifrit looked at the foot.

It was unbearably smelly, there were pencil perrings and lumps of hardened glue on it.

There was also a piece of mouldy pizza on it.

Ifrit raised an eyebrow. Alastor was disgusted. They both stared at him.

"Second grade art project" murmured Dante.

"You mean to say," said Alastor in a strangely calm voice "that that pizza slice has been there for OVER A DECADE!"

"You like it?" asked Dante.

Alastor groaned. "Get on with it!" snapped Dante.

Ifrit took a closer look at the foot.

There was a dead fly that had gotten stuck there while trying to get to the pizza, there was a pile of dirt on his big toe that had what appeared to be mushrooms growing on it, and there was something moving between his third and fourth toe.

Ifrit took a final gulp before kissing it.

-Skip Scene-

WHAAAAAOOOOOOOO, WHAAAAAOOOOOOOO!

An ambulance was speeding down a road.

Ifrit was lying on the stretcher, groaning.

Alastor was on the seat beside him, looking worried.

Dante, on the other hand, was playing X's and O's with the life support system.

He was, of course, losing terribly.

"THAT'S THE TWENTIETH TIME I'VE LOST!" he shrieked.

There was no response.

"Fine! Be that way!" mumbled an irritated Dante.

-At The Hospital-

Doctor: I'm afraid that Ifrit here won't last the night.

(Alastor gasps)

Doctor: I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do…

Meanwhile, Dante is playing poker with the life support system.

He loses miserably, even though the machine has yet to do something.

"Awww!" he groaned "how can you win so easily?"

"_Beep"_

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Dante angrily "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!"

He then punches the machine, mushing his fist against the buttons.

An electric discharge is sent through the cables and into Ifrit.

Ifrit jerks awake.

Alastor: he's alive!

Doctor: …… umm, yes. I knew that. Now for the matter of the bill…

Dante: RUN!

The three of them sprint out of the hospital as fast as possible.

-Back to the Story (which has seriously gone off track)-

Dante looked at the giant stone.

"What does it say?" he asked.

"You have to follow the light or…" started Alastor.

"You'll be lost in the mist forever" finished Ifrit.

There was a muffled tinkling sound; Dante wet himself.

"Follow a light?" he asked.

"Yup," said Ifrit.

"Lost in mist for ever?" Dante pressed on.

"Bingo," said Alastor.

"AAAHAAAHAAA! I'M DEAD!" wailed Dante

Alastor and Ifrit had to work hard to inflict enough pain to make him shut up.

Dante realised that the light was really shiny and stopped crying.

He followed the light without taking his eyes off it, and for some reason his eyes were unfocused.

Soon the three came up to the sin perverts and the light was absorbed by one of them.

Alastor groaned and Ifrit murmured a prayer.

Dante's eyes focused but they turned red. A faint glow of light swept around him and electricity flowed freely around his body.

The perverts seemed to be enjoying themselves. They floated around Dante, giggling.

"What's wrong with him?" asked one in a high pitched voice.

"Ooh! He's the strong silent type!" squeaked another.

Soon they were all chatting amongst themselves while giggling.

Dante snapped.

"SILENCE!" he roared in a deep, booming voice that was not his own.

The sins immediately stopped.

"Spoilsport" muttered one.

"Meanie" said another.

Dante spread his wings, preparing for a serious ass-kicking.

He raised one of his hands backwards.

"Mother!" whimpered a third.

ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP!

A sin was sent flying.

Dante turned to another. The sin in question raised a white flag, signalling peace.

Fat chance.

THUMP!

Dante screw-dived into it.

The shiny light came out. Dante's light faded. His wings shrunk back in.

He fell from forty feet in the air.

Ouch.

But it was ok because Dante saw the light, and to him, nothing else mattered.

Dante started drooling and his went unfocused again.

He followed the light towards another pathway (the other sins had fled).

When everything became clear Dante looked around.

He was surrounded by stoned Blades.

When the Blades saw him they burst out laughing.

Two of the Blades charged at him, flailing their arms as if they had wings.

That would have been strange enough, but the fact that they were making clucking noises was disturbing.

The two Blades started circling Dante.

Dante was completely and utterly confused. He opened his mouth.

"Don't bother asking!" said Alastor, who was just as confused as Dante was.

Another Blade mooed.

Dante started walking slowly through the Blades, taking each step carefully.

Before he managed to get out, he took a look back.

All the Blades were Morris Dancing while singing "We Are The Champions".

Freaked out, Dante hurried away.

At last he managed to get out of the mist.

But, as Dante's luck would have it, he ended up right in front of a giant spider made pout of rocks.

Dante screamed and hit it with Ifrit.

The spider didn't seem to care. With a swing of it's massive claw, it sent Dante flying.

Dante seemed to prefer it this way; he was much further away from the spider than he could have hoped.

Panting, he slowly got up.

Little did he know that there was another one behind him.

THUMP!

He was sent flying again.

Right in front of the other one.

Poor Dante.

THUMP!

The giant spiders had quite a nice game of tennis, but Dante was in no mood for sports.

While in the air, Dante managed to convert into a flying kick.

That was one of the smartest things he ever done in his life.

Luckily, he hit one of the spiders straight in the eyes.

He actually managed to hit it in one of its two weak spots.

Screeching, the spider dissolved. The other spider wasn't too happy about this.

It cracked its knuckles. Dante whimpered.

Just as it was about to hit him with a killer blow, Dante raised his right foot sharply straight between it's legs. This was the other weak spot, though for some strange reason, it's only present in males.

There was a silence. The spiders eyes unfocused and watered.

It joined it's partner in the large space known as oblivion.

Dante walked happily through the giant greenhouse doors.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 00:31_

_Orbs: 567_

_Ranking: B_

_Saving………_

Sorry, that was kinda short, but I had to update as fast as possible. I had more to come after this, but I realised that it was so long since I last updated and cut off the rest.

This was rushed, so I'll probably be getting a lot of complaints. I don't mind, as long as I get some sort of review, good or bad.

Also, any ideas for the next few chapters are all welcome.

Any choices picked from the next story that I'll be doing will be gladly accepted.

Hopefully be updating soon.


	8. Brothers, Birds & Armbands

_Merry Christmas!_

_I finally realised that I don't have to write a disclaimer before every chapter (YAY!)_

_Anyway, the last chapter sucked so much because I rushed it because I hadn't updated in ages (either that or I just plain suck at this) and I apologise for that._

_Surprise, the fonts weren't deleted because of the notepad, I thought that they would be (I think FF did too)._

_I've finally decided that the next story that I'll be doing will be one where Dante and Vergil team together. You may think something along the lines of "Oh no, not another one" but I've been thinking about this one for ages and it shouldn't suck as bad as this one._

_I took some time to read over my chapters already done and found countless mistakes and grammar errors, with a few bad jokes and some good ones that got messed up. So, thank you for you're patience._

_Since you probably didn't bother reading all this (I wouldn't!) here's the eight chapter of Yet Another DMC Parody._

* * *

_**Ch. 8: Brothers, Birds and Armbands**_

_**Mission 11: Fate: Obtain the Chalice**_

Dante took a look around the giant greenhouse that he just entered.

It featured plants and streams and other pleasant things… and a blood thirsty monster ready to tear him limb from limb.

This one was new. It was a Death Scythe, deadly and it wasn't distracted by men or drugs, unlike all the other monsters encountered so far.

But most of all, it was _competent_. BUM BUM BUUUUMMMMM.

It was speeding towards Dante as fast as it could, scythe at the ready.

Dante still hadn't noticed it and was still looking around the greenhouse.

Just a short while to go and Dante would be history…

Dante finally noticed the Death Scythe and he started waving at it.

The Death Scythe roared in retaliation, preparing itself for the kill.

Dante roared back.

The Death Scythe stopped; this was weird. Normally when it roared, its target would become terrified. It shrugged its shoulders and continued speeding towards Dante.

Dante thought that the DS was trying to give him a hug, since his brain couldn't comprehend anything more complex than a peanut.

The Death Scythe's scythe was just about to make contact with Dante's neck when Dante put his arms tightly around the DS in a bear hug.

This made the DS seriously and utterly confused. This was not normal behaviour. The prey was definitely NOT supposed to hug him.

When Dante let go Alastor and Ifrit gave serious burns and shocks.

"KILL HIM, GODDAMIT!" shrieked Alastor.

"Why?" asked Dante innocently?

"Did you not notice the dirty great scythe that thing was holding?" Ifrit answered, "IT WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU, NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOU!"

The DS had had enough. From what it could see, the human was having a conversation with itself. (Alastor and Ifrit are only speaking with Dante in his head)

It floated away, beginning its search for a psychiatrist.

Dante saw the well, and his first reaction was to jump in.

He dived in swimmers style; hands clasped together as if in prayer and were held out in front of him as he fell face forward.

However, it was not water that greeted Dante's face. Unfortunately it was solid ground. Painful.

Dante was knocked unconscious by the impact.

Alastor and Ifrit were stuck there bored for a few hours, as their usual source of entertainment was Dante almost killing himself at every turn.

Eventually, Alastor gave Dante's brain a jump start (actually, a microscopic battery had enough power to give Dante's brain a jump start)

Dante immediately rose with a "miaow" (don't ask why) and was ready.

But not ready enough for the Blade that was right behind him.

I enjoy putting Dante through serious pain. It's just a hobby, nothing personal.

Ifrit and Alastor winced as Dante was getting pulverised.

Unfortunately, Dante's screams alerted even more Blades, which were more than happy to join the fun.

After a while the Blades got tired and left Dante for a while, starting a chat about flowers (they're really just softies beneath the skin) leaving Dante some time to get up from the ground.

"Why won't you fight back?" asked Alastor.

"What'll I use as a weapon?" replied Dante as he brushed some dirt off his coat.

There was a silence.

ZZZZAAAAAPPPPPP!

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?" yelled Ifrit.

Getting the message, Dante equipped Ifrit, then devil-triggered.

Dante's pupils grew to an unnatural size.

"What now?" moaned Alastor, who was getting seriously tired of this.

"I-I'm…" Dante started.

"What? You're what!" asked Alastor heatedly.

"On fiiiiire! Pretty fire!" said Dante happily (and creepily).

He started playing around with the fire. The Blades stopped chatting and noticed the supposedly dead freak that was suddenly ignited and laughing maniacally.

Dante managed to make a soccer ball sized meteor from his fist. "Cooool!" he chanted. He threw it into the air and started kicking it around.

The Blades were astonished. Not only was this human (or so they thought) still alive, but he was _on fire and kicking a ball of flame around like a football_.

"Wanna play?" asked Dante pleasantly. He passed it to one of the Blades.

Or tried to, at least. He was never any good at football.

The meteor hit against the wall, then bounced towards the crowd of Blades, making Impact with a Blade's skull, then ricochet back at the wall, back to another Blade, then back again. "Oops" muttered Dante.

It was actually quite entertaining, watching the meteor go back and forth, colliding with Blades.

Soon all that was left was a pile of ashes.

"For once, you're complete lack of skill came in handy" said Ifrit.

They went on, and came to the crack in the wall, and met a familiar face.

The God of Time. Who, burst into tears upon seeing Dante.

"There, there" said Dante comfortingly while patting the god's back "I know what's wrong."

"You do?" replied the god, genuinely interested "I didn't think that you knew anything!"

"Yeah, of course," said Dante "it's not you're fault that you're a pathetic nerd! Someday a girl will come along, until then you'll just have to work on your hygiene problems!"

The god went red in the face.

"I don't have problems with girls, it's just that I'm so sick of you always-" he started.  
Dante burst out laughing, cutting him off.

"You're in denial!" he laughed " I knew from moment I met you that you were a self absorbed geek!"

The god's face was now a deep shade of scarlet.

"You've got it all wrong-"

Dante put his face closer to the god's ears.

"Let me tell you a secret" he whispered "the secret to getting a girl is to fix whatever problems you have, and you're problem is that you're a nerd and you smell bad, so you just have to-"

"Stop it!" the god managed to blurt out "I don't know how the conversation managed to go this way, but-"

"And you have dental issues!" continued Dante, unaware that the god said anything "You just have to get something done with that! And by the way, you have to stop this "reading" business that you do, it'll get to your brain"

"Seriously, shut up!" the God was really annoyed and he didn't know why Dante had even started this conversation "and I don't have problems with women, I'm-"

"You're gay?" Dante cut in "Ohhh, right! Well, I suppose part of me always noticed that, then you're going on fine, there's definitely a gay aura coming off you-"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT GAY AND THE REASON THAT I WAS UPSET WAS BECAUSE I LOATHE YOU MORE THAN IT THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE!" shrieked the God.

"You love me more than you thought was possible?" Dante said in an understanding tone "I'm sorry, but I like women, besides, I'm out of you're league!"

The God was just about to strike Dante with a bolt of lightning when Dante had just left. That's his talent, to annoy then disappear.

Soon Dante came across the sign of chastity.

"What _the hell is this_?" he asked "I've never seen anything _remotely_ like this!"

"Well, maybe that's because you don't have one!" Ifrit remarked.

"What is it though?" Dante asked again.

"It's called a brain" Alastor answered in an "I give up" voice.

Dante shook his head slowly "Never heard of it. Is it famous or something?"

Alastor and Ifrit sighed loudly in unison. "Never mind, just pick it up and lets get going…"

Dante shrugged his shoulders and picked it up. With that he left and set off towards the giant door that led to the holder of the sign.

When he arrived there, he put the sign in.

Just kidding. Before he did, he noticed a caterpillar on a nearby leaf and spent a half hour staring at it, poking it now and then, and whispering love poems to it.

Eventually Ifrit set it on fire, which made Dante cry and start complaining about things like "true love" and "people like Ifrit and Alastor standing in it's way", and finally, complaining about "coconuts", which had nothing got to do with what just happened.

Anyway, when he did eventually put the sign in, electricity ran around Dante.

Dante took a look around. At first nothing seemed to be there, but on a further inspection, Dante noticed a strange silhouette on top of a mound of stone just above the opposite door.

But the weird thing was, why Dante needed a further inspection; it was broad daylight and there were barely any clouds in the sky. Alastor and Ifrit were wondering why Dante hadn't reacted yet. In fact, he was already getting his ass kicked without realising anything.

Alastor gave him a zap.

Dante suddenly noticed the familiar knight looking at him strangely.

"Hi Vergil!" said Dante.

Vergi… ahem, _the knight_ shook his head furiously and waved both hands to signal that Dante should stop something.

"Ooh! I love this game!" said Dante excitedly, "Charades!"

The knight slapped himself on the head, Dante really was too much of an idiot.

"Hand!" stated Dante, "No, wait! I have it! He's saying… Hit, hit… hit hand! Hand hit! Damn, I'm close, I can feel it!"

The knight jumped up and down in anger.

"Jump! Hit jump!" Dante kept on guessing, "Rabbit! Rabbit hit! Hand rabbit! Aargh! I can do this!"

The knight decided that it would be best if he just started killing Dante then.

With a swing of his sword, the knight sent Dante flying into the nearest wall.

"Donnie… Darko… Cough" Dante choked weakly.

The Knight roared in anger and fired one of his light blasts at Dante.

Dante coughed up some blood.

"Vergil…" he croaked weakly, "why are you doing this, bro?"

The knight stomped his foot roughly on the ground and charged at Dante, sword bared.

"Vergil, please answer me!" Dante pressed on, making the knight stop.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" the knight yelled. There was a pause.

The knight slapped his hand over his mouth.

"AHA!" Dante yelled in triumph, "you CAN still talk!"

"Aargh!" the knight roared, "YOU IDIOT! Can't you see that I'm not supposed to talk?"

"But-" Dante inquired " You always used to be able to talk, Verge"

The knight threw a fit of silent anger.

"I'm getting so sick of you calling me that!" he said.

"But that's you're name! Vergil!" Dante said.

The knight paused for a moment with a blank look on his face. After a while the blank look went away.

He looked at Dante. "YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I WAS SUFFERING FROM AMNESIA, CAUSED FROM MY MASTER? THANKS TO YOU IT'S GONE AND I'LL HESITATE TO KILL YOU AND FAIL MY MISSION!"

Dante had a shocked expression on his face. That was actually a fake, he acted it so that Vergil wouldn't notice that he wasn't listening. He was, in fact, in a daydream, featuring bunnies and grassy fields and smiling flowers while he ate a coconut.

The bunnies and the flowers all died when Vergil slashed Dante.

Dante became angry; he was enjoying that coconut. He gripped Alastor tightly, raising her slightly in the air in an upper stance, preparing himself for one of the few proper fights he will ever have in his lifetime.

Well, it could have been proper if he hadn't messed it up and made himself look like an even bigger idiot than usual.

"Emm, Dante?" Vergil asked.

"What!" Dante answered hotly.

"Your fly's open."

"Oh," Dante said as his face went a deep crimson colour.

When Dante closed it, Vergil took it as a chance to slash at him repeatedly.

Dante ducked in time to prevent any injury, though his hair got a #3 haircut.

Alastor and Ifrit gasped.

Vergil went white.

Dante was crouching over his chopped hairs, which littered the ground like white grass.

Vergil chanced to move a little closer to Dante when nothing happened for a while.

When he was just about to hit Dante, he was blown back by a powerful blast of air. Vergil hit the wall. "What the-" his voice was cut off by the noise of the wind.

Dante got up, one eye a deep shade of blue, the other red. The air around him was blurred. Both Ifrit and Alastor were activated, Dante was gripping Alastor with Ifrit on his hands. Which was a painful experience for both, but that didn't matter just then.

He took a step closer to Vergil.

Vergil gulped. "I'm not gonna fight him like this!" he murmured to himself. "You beat me fair and square, I'm dying!" he said to Dante.

As he said that he faked a blow to the stomach and gave himself cuts all around his body with his sword to make it look like he fought Dante; how was Mundus supposed to know?

"I failed, you win!" he said. Dante growled.

"I'M OUTTA HERE!" yelled Vergil as he blasted away.

Dante returned to normal (well, I wouldn't call him _normal_) and had a hurt look on his face. "My hair…" he whimpered.

Alastor and Ifrit exchanged looks. This would put Dante in a bad mood for the rest of the journey and he was most likely going to take it out on them.

But, luckily enough, Dante always kept a wig in his pocket.

He cheered up and spent a half an hour climbing up to the crevice where the knight thing was kept.

When he got up there he realised that there was an escalator going up that would have taken him up there in two minutes.

After muttering curses to himself, Dante walked up to the knight shaped stand.

"Now what've I got to do?" asked Dante.

"Hmm, I don't know!" said Alastor sarcastically "there's an indent in it perfectly the same shape as the chalice that you just got"

"You're right!" Dante said "It IS a tricky puzzle!"

Alastor groaned. "Let me try" said Ifrit.

Ifrit cleared his throat.

"Well, Dante" he said loudly "it couldn't have anything to do with that chalice you just got. After all, it is the perfect shape to hold it."

Dante thought about this.

"I know," he said eventually "that's what they probably want you to do."

"I give up" he told Alastor.

At that exact moment and time, there was a battalion of mole people just after surfacing beside Dante's shoe.

ML#1: Right, this time we can't possibly fail!

ML#2: Yes, this time we'll… (he notices Dante)… Wait a minute. Isn't that the human from last time?

ML#1: It looks like him alright.

ML#2: We should kill him now and get him out of our way.

ML#1: Right. (signals the nearest captain) Tell all the soldiers to fire at will!"

Captain: All ranks, FIRE AT WILL!

(All the mole people start firing at Dante with their minuscule weapons.

"Ow!" Dante said suddenly.

"What now?" Ifrit asked rudely.

"I got a sting!" Dante complained "It wasn't too bad, it was-OW! I got another one!"

"Probably just a wasp" Alastor said, dismissing the matter.

"A wasp?" Dante whimpered.

Alastor nodded.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! GETITOFFMEGETOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEEEEEEEE!"

He screamed, flailing his arms wildly.

The sudden movement managed to send the chalice flying out of his pockets, which landed on the stand.

With a blast of light, the chalice and stand connected, making a nearby door open.

The blast of light also temporarily blinded the mole people, which meant that they didn't see the giant figure dancing wildly around close to them.

The light didn't temporarily blind Dante, but put his eyes out of focus. He tripped over and landed on the mole people.

This happened just before the mole people's sight came back.

The last thing that they saw was Dante's large ass coming down on them.

"Mother" they all whimpered in unison.

There was a squelching sound as if an insect had been swatted with a newspaper.

"Get up!" Alastor demanded impatiently.

Dante obediently rose and walked towards the now open door.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 02:51_

_Orbs: 1057_

_Devil Hunter Ranking: A_

_Saving……_

_**Mission 12: Ghost Ship: Board the Ship of the Dead**_

Dante was standing in a narrow corridor.

What he suddenly realised was that he had claustrophobia. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he charged down the corridor, Alastor and Ifrit hung on for dear life.

A battalion of Muppets were waiting for him down the corridor, ready for revenge.

Suddenly a loud scream cut through the silence.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

The Muppets were obliterated by the awesome power coming from the volume of his voice.

Dante took little notice from this and continued running and screaming, taking a blind eye to everything that was in front of him, charging through them if they got in his way.

There soon came a sharp turn in the corridor. Dante still wasn't paying any attention to what was in front of him.

CRASH!

Instead of pummelling his face against the wall and breaking his skull, the wall was the one who suffered.

Dante continued charging mindlessly while screaming and bashing through walls and objects.

I could keep telling the story like this, but it would be much easier if I just gave you the list of smashed items caused by Dante:

A brick wall,

A door,

A Muppet,

A table with some chairs,

Into the skipper of a boat, which just started sailing,

(runs around in circles until the boat reaches land again)

A signpost,

A car in the middle of the road,

A car on the other side of the road,

A shop's door that wasn't automatic enough to dodge Dante,

A shelf full of cutlery,

A teenager that makes some money from working in the shop,

An old lady doing her shopping,

Another brick wall,

An electric fence (which gave him a painful shock),

Some attack dogs,

A few sentry guards,

A brick wall,

Some bodyguards,

A mob leader that owns the place he just smashed up,

The camera people and news lady that was trying to interview him for stopping the mob who just murdered a mayor,

A wooden wall,

Into the skipper of a boat which replaced the old one,

(running around in circles again until boat reaches Mallet island again)

Through some more brick walls,

Through a bunch of Blades,

(Right past a very confused looking Mundus)

Through some more brick walls,

Through the wall of the ghost ship.

Dante then skidded to a halt, out of breath. Alastor and Ifrit were both wide eyed with their mouths wide open. Dante wiped the dirt off his jacket (with the dog that still had it's mouth clamped firmly on his ass and the old lady's wig) and took a look around.

He was in what looked like an old abandoned wooden ship.

There was a hole in the floor nearby that was filled with water.

There was a pile of chests filled with treasure by the wall. "Cooool!" he said appreciatively "I'm on a pirate ship!".

He took a bandanna of the ground, wore it as a hat and put a black piece of paper over his eye.

"Aarrrr!" he grunted "shiver me timbers!".

He looked at Alastor and Ifrit. "Away wi' ye me buckoes! I'm of to get some rum!" He said happily.

There was a pause.

Alastor shocked him.

Learning his lesson, Dante went up the stairs. A pair of Blades awaited him there.

Dante was about to cower childishly in the corner while waiting for death to come when he noticed something behind the Blades, on the other side of the room.

He wasn't sure what it was, but it was shiny.

The Blades were just about to pounce on him when Dante started charging towards them. They exchanged worried glances; they had no idea why he had suddenly charged at them, but the hungry look in Dante's eyes gave them an idea.

They thought he was going to eat them. They tried to leap out of the way when Dante collided with them. He shoved them roughly out of his way to see what the shiny thing was.

The Blades smashed into the wall, knocking them out.

Dante picked up the shiny thing. It was a new weapon, a needle gun.

Dante then noticed the pool of water. He put his toe cautiously in the water to test it. He immediately pulled it back with a squeak.

"What's wrong, you big sissy?" asked Ifrit.

"I don't have armbands with me" Dante replied.

"So?" Alastor asked.

"I can't swim" Dante murmured quietly.

"What was that?" Alastor enquired.

"I can't swim" Dante repeated a little louder.

Alastor restrained a laugh, what came out was a low growl.

Ifrit on the other hand (quite literally) was not amused.

"SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS! WHAT KIND OF HALF-DEMON ARE YOU!"

Dante sniffled and pretended he didn't hear Ifrit. Even though the deaf old lady ten miles away probably heard him.

Dante walked up the next flight of stairs and came outside.

He looked up and saw the two shiny swords forming an "X" on the door to the captains quarters.

He almost flew up to the door. He tried to open it but it was stuck.

A voice started speaking in Dante's head about "protecting the ship" and likewise, but Dante wasn't paying attention.

He was too busy burning the door down with Ifrit. He actually managed to succeed, burning the Death Scythe behind it alive in the process.

The ship suddenly lurched forwards, knocking Dante onto the floor.

He walked back outside and found the reason of the sudden lurch; the ship was moving. It was moving up and down and up and down again.

Which made Dante seasick. Right on the deck, beside the wheel.

Griffon chose this as a good time to attack Dante. He flew in quietly behind Dante, without any notice.

Dante finished getting sick and stood up straight, wiping his mouth.

Griffon couldn't resist. He put his many beaks right up to Dante's ear.

"BOO!" Griffon shrieked as loud as he possibly could.

Dante jumped. When I say jumped, I mean JUMPED!

Dante was clinging on to one of the sails for dear life with a face as white as snow

Griffon was in hysterics with laughter, he was on his back flailing his limbs about and tears were pouring out of his eyes.

As Griffon attempted to get up, he slipped on Dante's sick, sending him back onto the deck and making him bump his head on the wheel, knocking him out.

Dante let go of the sails, and stuck his leg out, which was suddenly set on fire thanks to Ifrit.

Dante hit Griffon, setting him on fire.

Dante got the smell of chicken cooking in his nose and he enjoyed it. He got a sudden urge to put a spit through Griffon and eat him. Which he then tried doing.

Griffon woke to feel a sharp pain in his side and smoke all around him. He looked at where the pain was coming from. There was Dante, trying to impale him with an oversized spit. Griffon also realised that he was on fire.

With a loud shriek Griffon flew off, which looked like a comet through the sky.

_-All the way over to the nearest country-_

A little boy was holding up a shopkeeper while a riot ensued outside.

The shopkeeper looked up. He saw Griffon and thought that it was a shooting star.

_Make a wish_ he thought. He wished that the little kid would go away.

The little boy hit him with a double-barrelled shotgun. "Qwit yow'r daydweaming and put de money in the bag!" he demanded.

The shopkeeper gulped and closed his eyes.

Suddenly a woman's voice cut through the air. "Benny, time to go home, sweetie!"

The little boy pursed his lips "Aww! Mom! I don't wanna go home!"

"Now, now, sugarplum!" the voice came again "you have to get you're dinner!"

The little boy sulked and ran off. The shopkeeper sighed and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

_-Back at Dante-_

Dante walked through the hollow space where the door used to be while his stomach growled.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 00:45_

_Orbs:506_

_Devil Hunter Ranking: D_

_Saving……_

_

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_

_**There goes **another chapter, which I think is the longest so far, but it didn't seem to take that long._

_Anyway, you'll notice the new plan I have for the Author's notes at the beginning and ending of the chapter. I hope it works out better than the other ones did._

_Well, I have a Christmas break now, so I'll have a lot more time to write these chapters, so be expecting another one soon._

_Until, then, see ya! _


	9. Southern Fried Chicken With Sprinkles

_Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry, the Muppets, the Matrix or any of their characters._

_I'm back! Sorry I took so long, but I already told you, this is gonna take a while._

_You may notice the changes to the summary of this fic. It says "Joe" because the my pen name is shared by two people. We'll go by the nicknames "Joe" and "Gromit". (I'm Joe). In case you were wondering, Gromit is the friend of mine mentioned in ch4. He was the person obsessed with shiny things. (The inspiration for Dante's obsession for shiny things). I'll take this as a chance to advertise for my friends fic. Read "DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT!" it's brilliant!_

_I noticed that I made the last chapter too wide, that was a little mistake that won't happen again, you can trust me… actually you can't, but that's not the point! And sorry about the time it took to write this chapter, I'm getting less time to write this._

_Anyway, I think that I'm putting the missions in wrongly, so don't bother telling me._

_I can't think pf anything else to say, so here's the next chapter to Yet Another DMC Parody._

_

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_

_**Chapter 9: Southern Fried Chicken With Sprinkles**_

_-Under the Earths Crust-_

Inside the military hospital:

ML#1: I don't think that we'll ever get those humans (cough), I give up!

ML#2: Don't say that! The humans have to have some sort of weakness.

ML#1: You're right! All we need is a few of our most advanced weapons and we should have the upper hand!

Ml#2: This time the humans will pay!

Mole Nurse: Oh, my mole god! They're delirious!

Mole Doctor: Time to inject them with a few of these (takes out sinister looking syringes and injects them with them)

ML#1: Lalalalalala! Happy place! I love everyone!

M Doctor: Oops, wrong syringe!

M Nurse: Who cares? Just give them a few weapons and send them back up, they'll be fine.

(The mole soldiers are sent back up with better weapons and very light heads)

_Mission 13: Abyss: Escape from the Wreckage._

Dante took a look around the room he was in. It had beer bottles on the floor that must have been there for centuries, there was a map with an "X" on it, and there was a large desk with a skeleton sitting with it's feet up on it.

Dante didn't really care that there was a skeleton on a desk or anything else remotely interesting in the room at that particular moment, what he DID care about was the bottles of beer scattered around the room.

He spent the next ten minutes guzzling down all the beer bottles and anything else that looked remotely like a beer bottle. Unfortunately this involved him drinking an entire bottle of rat poison. He spent the next half an hour retching and puking all over the floor. He didn't learn his lesson. He went back to drinking all the bottles on the floor.

Another half hour was spent puking all over the floor.

Dante actually learned a lesson. He began to check the labels before drinking anything. Eventually, he got pissed and started singing out of tune and dancing awkwardly.

He finally noticed the staff of Hermes. He picked it up and took a look at it.

"Swah siss?" he asked (translated: "what's this").

Alastor and Ifrit exchanged worried looks.

"It's a staff" Ifrit answered.

"Whah?" Dante said in a confused tone, "I don't have "hic" a busyness! Whah wud I want "hic" staff?" (translation: What? I don't have a business! Why would I want staff?")

Alastor was about to shock him when the ship suddenly rocked forwards. Water started pouring into the room.

"Ah didn't doo it!" Dante exclaimed (translation: "I didn't do it")

Water was now up to Dante's waist. Dante put on a crooked grin.

"Ah gess thah ah'll have te go fer a swim!" (translation: I guess that I'll have to go for a swim")

He put his head under and took a look around. He saw the vent in the bottom corner. Out of impulse he swam through it.

Two Blades with weird looking hats noticed Dante and started speeding towards him. A siren started booming out of the hats and blue and red lights beamed out with the siren.

They forced Dante to swim across a straight line while gurgling the alphabet. Dante failed and was forced to go with them due to drinking and diving (kill me).

Dante shot one of them and swum away frantically while the other Blade chased after him.

The Blade attempted to call for back up and the radio sent a shock through the water, instantly killing him.

The curse lifted, letting Dante through. There was another Blade with a siren helmet on the other side. Dante didn't take any hesitation in killing him.

Dante then tried to swim through to the hole in the side in the ship. What came out though, was a flimsy retarded version of the doggy paddle that would have put any doggy involved in the doggy paddle to shame.

Dante still made it out, no matter how stupid he looked. Kinda like everything else Dante did in life, he managed it but he looked a complete idiot in the process.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 01:13:45_

_Orbs: 203_

_Saving……_

Dante dragged himself out of the pool of water, still pissed.

"Ah!" he said groggily, "ah'm wesh awll ovah!" (translation: Ah! I'm wet all over!)

Alastor and Ifrit hadn't a clue what he just said. Alastor was about to shock him when Ifrit suddenly set him on fire, forgetting that Dante was still filled with alcohol.

_**BANG!**_

Dante was surrounded by dark mist. A large sign appeared in front of him, scaring the crap out of him. It read: Try Again.

Dante's face was screwed up in fear "O.K! I'll do it, just don't hurt me!"

A picture of a giant golden face appeared. The gold face shattered.

Dante squealed. !"NO NO NOT MY FACE!" he screamed "ANYTHING BUT THE FACE!"

Dante was suddenly back beside the boat. He didn't notice the change in environment. He was still huddled up, screaming "not the face"

Two Muppets were staring at Dante as if he was an idiot (well, he actually WAS an idiot)

Dante noticed this and stood up. "Ahem" he cleared his throat and tried to get back whatever dignity he had.

One of the Muppets sniggered. Dante got insulted by this and shot it. The other Muppet got the message and ran away. Dante walked on (he was still drunk so he couldn't notice the embarrassment) and came through the door to start the next mission.

_Mission 14: Deepness, Darkness and Mountains, oh my: I can't think up anything to say_

Dante strolled casually down the curved room when a pair of sin-pervs snuck up on him from behind. With a well placed swing of their scythes, they swished their weapon clean through the place where his hair should have been. They didn't get the reaction that they were expecting. Instead of Dante's hair being cut neatly off, a wig fell on the ground.

Dante froze in his tracks. Ifrit de-frosted him (hangs self with rope).

He turned around and noticed that his wig was suddenly on the floor and that there were two gay ghosts behind him.

The pervs were shocked. "Sorry!" Alastor apologised (dead self comes back and multiplies; "you can't stop me, Mr. Anderson, your doom is inevitable!)(I really have to stop these puns!)

They thought that Dante had a perfect head of hair (that the minions of Mundus seem to enjoy messing up).

Dante had a dignified look on his face as he swiped his wig off the ground while muttering "coconuts". The pervs had never seen anything (in their opinion) so horrible.

"Man was not meant to lose hair!" one shrieked as it followed the other one away.

Ifrit burst out laughing, "That's a new one!" he stated. Alastor filled in a new space in a diary that was labelled "_Encyclopaedia idiotica: Dante_". "Hmm," she murmured as she scribbled it down "gay enemies scared off by bad hairstyle". "Encyclopaedia retardica: Dante" was about the size of a Chinese phonebook, even though all the writing in it was tiny (Alastor was being careful about fitting all of Dante's idiotic incidents in it). Ifrit was still laughing "you know, Dante, next time an enemy comes up, you can just scare it off with your bad hairstyle!"

Dante got insulted, as his most prized possession was his hair. Dante then attempted to start beating Ifrit. What he forgot, was that Ifrit was on his hands.

Dante was punching the air for quite some time, when Ifrit told him to stop.

"Heh, heh!" Dante said triumphantly "it's working!".

"No!" said Ifrit "seriously, stop!"

"Plead all you like, I won't stop until you I get payback!"

"Dante, stop before you hurt yourself!"

"you don't sound so tough now, do you!"

"Dante, stop, before you embarrass yourself"

"I wouldn't talk about embarrassment if I was getting my ass kicked!"

"Dante, you're not hurting me"

"like I'll believe that, I'm not stupid you know!"

Alastor was scribbling crazily on the _Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante_.

Half an hour later Alastor and Ifrit gave up and seriously hurt Dante.

Sniffling, Dante moved on to the skeleton on the wall.

He noticed the extremely shiny shield and snatched it from the skeletons hands. He then rubbed it and polished it while whispering to it.

Dante pocketed it and took a look at the skeleton. The arm looked like it would move. Dante realised that he needed to do something. Alastor and Ifrit exchanged glances; Dante had just thought of something that would actually be of use. Dante shook the skeletons hand. Alastor and Ifrit groaned in unison.

Alastor shocked Dante, somehow managing to make him pull his arm back, activating the lever.

The floor started moving and spikes randomly erupted from the floor. Dante shrugged his shoulders and walks on (Alastor adds this to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante)

By the time Dante reached the exit, he was severely bleeding and cut in places where the sun don't shine.

Dante reached the area beside the waterfall. When he caught sight of it, he whimpered. Seizing their chance, Alastor and Ifrit forced him under it. Dante screamed his hollow head off when the water made contact with him.

"Wow," exclaimed Ifrit.

"I know," Alastor agreed "I never seen anyone so reluctant to take a shower!"

When the bad smell washed away, Alastor and Ifrit let him out. Dante was silent for a while; he wasn't talking to Alastor and Ifrit. No one was complaining; This was only an improvement.

Dante realised this and tried pressing on (and started talking again). He noticed a glimmer from near the top of the waterfall. He climbed up there, stone by stone, inch by inch. Dante eventually reached the top and picked up the shiny yellow face. After a while of nurturing it and kissing it, Dante took a look around. He temporarily forgot about his fear of heights.

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" he sang loudly as he jumped off the edge of the cliff. Thanks to his inhumanity, he actually managed to remain airborne for a while. Halfway through the air he remembers his fear of heights.

"YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. He started flailing his arms wildly in a futile attempt to stay airborne. He suddenly started falling slowly from mid-air.

Alastor and Ifrit were having a field day adding to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante. Dante's face mushed against the ground. He raised his head slowly. He was immediately cheered up by the shiny blue thing that was right in front of him. He picked it up and started serenaded it with his ukulele. Alastor and Ifrit had to buy more paper to record it.

When Dante walked through the hole in the cliff wall a familiar face returned. A black form quickly swept up the mountainside.

"SPRINKLES!" Dante screamed in joy.

Ifrit raised an eyebrow.

"The shadow he neutered" Alastor said indifferently. Ifrit nodded.

Sprinkles sensed an enemy and started attacking.

"He remembers me!" Dante exclaimed excitedly.

Sprinkles did, in fact remember Dante, and started attacking more ferociously.

"Aww!" Dante said "look at him he's so cute! Aww! Look at the way he's hissing at me! He's the nicest cat in the world. Look at what he's doing now! Aww! He's so cute when he sharpens his claws! And he's cute when he tries to kill me like he is now! Awwwww-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHH!"

Alastor and Ifrit were running out of paper again.

After a while Dante actually managed to win the fight, even though he wasn't necessarily "fighting". Basically he screamed until Sprinkles felt sympathetic and stopped killing him.

When Sprinkles turned his back on Dante, Dante took back out his trusty saddle and treated Sprinkles like a horse again.

"Bad Sprinkles!" Dante said in a fatherly voice as he put some rope around Sprinkles mouth and body to make reins.

Dante rode Sprinkles right through the destination and into the courtyard filled with Muppets.

"Sic' em, boy!" Dante bellowed. The Muppets exchanged glances. The ride was extremely uncomfortable for Dante as Sprinkles changed form every now and then to kill a Muppet. Soon Dante was bleeding. But he wasn't aware of this and was still laughing, but every now and then his childish cackle would sound mysteriously like "Ow".

Dante managed to unseal the door.

_Mission Complete_

_Time: 01: 12: 52_

_Orbs: 000_

_Devil Hunter Ranking: D_

_Mission 15: Wheel of Destiny: Use a Pair of Lances to Conquer the Coliseum_

Dante was still on top of Sprinkles when he reached the main courtyard. Two of the huge spiders decided that now would be the best time to attack Dante. They were wrong. When Dante first came into their sight, they were confused; how did the so called "imbecile" manage to tame a shadow? He didn't, that's how.

Dante rode in circles around them. Luckily for Dante, these were relatives of Phantom, and therefore had the "idiot" genes in their body.

They were pretty slow as well, so they weren't able to hit Dante as he went in circles. Every time they tried to hit Dante, he was already behind them. For about ten minutes this continued.

After a while Dante felt extremely dizzy and lost control of Sprinkles. Seizing his chance, Sprinkles broke free and fled with a hiss.

Dante took a few drunken steps forward while clutching his stomach and groaning. The (I think they're called Kyklops) looked concerned. Dante slowly edged closer to them.

He hurled right on the kyklops' eye, unloading all of the alcohol that was in his stomach. It also dumped a Big Mac and some fries and, strangely enough, a heap of fertiliser.

All of this blended together to form some kind of acid, burning right through the kyklops. The other one retaliated and charged at Dante. It slipped on the sick and got knocked out. "Déjà vu" said Dante. Alastor and Ifrit were astonished. Dante just said something intelligent. "What did you just say, Dante?" Alastor asked.

………………………………...

"Coconuts" Dante said eventually.

"Add it to the book" Ifrit rasped.

Dante walked on to the shiny red shield. Dante gasped. "Who left a perfectly innocent shiny thing here all alone?"

Alastor and Ifrit didn't say anything; they wouldn't understand his explanation anyway.

"I'll give it a good home!" Dante said lovingly. As soon as he touched it, it disappeared.

Dante's lip quivered.

Alastor knew that she had to act quickly or Dante would start crying in public.

"Look, Dante!" she exclaimed suddenly.

"What?" Dante said in a huff.

"There's something shiny in there, didn't you see it? You better go in there and catch it!"

The effect was instant; Dante raced through the door and found a shiny rock. Alastor was surprised. She didn't actually know that there was something shiny in there. Dante hugged the shiny stone and walked down the steps.

Chuckie the clown was down there. Dante stuck his arm out, as if the shiny stone was behind it.

"Stay back" he ordered "I'll take care of him, you stay safe!"

Alastor and Ifrit's wrists were aching from writing too much.

Dante fought hard for the love of his shiny rock. After a minute of fighting, Chuckie fled. This explains why he had all those scars in his horror film.

Dante came into the room with spikes coming out from the walls. He walked through with no evident sign that he was aware of the fact that spikes could come out of the wall and impale him at any moment. Actually, he was singing, much to Alastor and Ifrit's discomfort. Dante reached the alcove where the devil trigger platform thingie was.

Dante stepped on it. His eyes widened so much that it hurt him.

After recovering Dante messed around.

He devil triggered and giggled. As soon as he transformed he turned back. He giggled again. He started doing this in a fast pattern while laughing his head off.

"Human, demon! Human! Demon! human! Demon! Human! Dem-OW!"

Ifrit burned him out of annoyance. Dante got the message and walked on.

He reached the spears.

"Wow," he remarked "imagine someone leaving something this valuable here!"

"Yeah," Ifrit agreed "it's as if they _want_ you to…"

Dante picked his nose with them.

"DANTE!" shrieked Alastor "THAT'S A PRICELESS ARTEFACT!"

"Oh," Dante "you mean that they're not for picking your nose?"

"No, they're for…… forchrissakes, Dammit, Dante!"

Dante was scratching his back with them.

"I give up." Alastor said.

Dante managed to reach the coliseum, after getting the nightmare-beta.

Dante took a look around. He noticed the shiny part in the middle of the arena and raced towards it, tongue lolling out of the side of his mouth.

Suddenly Griffon came down again with the smell of burnt feathers from their last encounter. He also brought a bad mood with him.

"THIS TIME YOU SHALL DIE, SON OF SPARDA!"

"Nuh-uh!" Dante replied childishly

"WHAT? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"Neither does your fat ass!"

A vein broke on Griffons temple; he still hated being called fat.

"YOU DIE NOW!" he roared.

He rose into the air, starting the fight. Well, fight isn't the right word, Dante had too be fighting for it to be a fight.

Griffon tried firing electricity at Dante. But, thanks to Alastor, Dante's body had developed an immunity to electricity. The most it did to him was give a light taze.

Griffon landed on Dante, which actually DID cause some damage, thanks to Griffons obesity.

Alastor and Ifrit did Dante a favour and did the hard work for him, forcing his arms to move in order to do some damage. This worked on Dante's part. But Griffon suspected something because Dante's eye's were closed and he was snoring and murmuring something about coconuts.

Griffon screeched loudly and Dante jerked awake. Griffon started laughing and tried to become airborne.

Griffon smashed his head against the bridge, losing countless brain cells. Griffon dropped like a stone, crushing his wings against the ground, making him unable to fly.

Dante started treating Griffon like a trampoline, jumping up and down on him.

Griffon forgot how to get up due to the lost brain cells. Dante thought that the coliseum needed decorating and rolled Griffon onto the sacrifice platform, not realising what would happen.

_-At That Very Moment-_

ML#1: Whoa, it took a while, but we recovered!

ML#2: Look, we're here!

ML#1: Yes, I recognise that human… what's he doing with that bird.

ML#2: Look at the ground! It's blue and shiny!

_Griffon is placed right beside them_

ML#1: What's that noise?

ML#2: I don't know……(looks up)

Both Moles: SHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!

There was a slight squishing sound as the cone type thingie smashed right through Griffon (and, unknown to anyone else, the Mole People).

Griffon struggled for a while. When he realised that it was hopeless, he stopped.

"Yours are definitely the powers of Sparda" he stated.

Dante tripped on his shoe laces.

"Maybe not…" muttered Griffon.

He tried struggling again, but still couldn't move.

"Master, Mundus!" he exclaimed "grant me one last surge of power, the power to finish him!"

Three orbs appeared in the sky.

"Griffon, you have interrupted my ballet class, now you shall pay!" came a deep booming voice.

A large microwave appeared around Griffon.

"MASTER, NO! PLEASE, MASTER, LET ME LIVE!"

"No, Griffon, I'm hungry!"

The light turned on in the microwave and heat radiated from it. Griffons screams came out of it.

Dante had a shocked face through all of this while serious music played in the background.

The "ding" cut through the serious music when the microwave was done.

The door opened by itself. Griffon wasn't inside it. Where there used to be a big-ass evil bird dude now lay a large cooked chicken, with all the trimmings beside it.

The leg lifted from off the side of it and into the air. When it reached the air beside Mundus a bite mark was suddenly taken off it.

Bit by bit the chicken was raised into the air and eaten by Mundus.

Dante was holding onto the amulet that he got from his mother as Mundus disappeared.

"That 7 eyed…" he muttered under his breath.

"You mean 3 eyed" Alastor corrected him.

"No," said Dante "can't you count? It goes, 3, lasagne, 7, 46, button…"

Ifrit groaned as Alastor wrote down "8 p.m: can't count"

Suddenly a beam of yellow lightning struck Dante. Dante wasn't hurt by it but he found himself lying face first on the ground with Trish sitting on him like a chair.

"Sorry!" she apologised "I could never work the whole "teleporting thing""

She got off him as Dante brushed the dirt off his coat.

"What's wrong" she asked Dante.

"Mundus!" Dante replied angrily "him and his heinous ways!"

Trish nodded "Yes, the way he treats his own-"

"He never shared his chicken!" Dante complained "I'm hungry here!"

Trish shook her head and she tried to teleport.

She found herself on top of Dante again. "Sorry" she murmured as she left.

Dante saw the cone shaped thingie in the ground and jumped onto it, went down and grabbed the shiny thingie in the shape of a driving wheel.

_Mission Completed_

_Time: 00: 58: 59_

_Orbs: 602_

_Saving………_

* * *

_Right, finally finished. Remember, this pen-name is used by me and the shiny things obsessed friend of mine. We go by the names "Joe and Gromit" I'm Joe._

_Gromit is the author of DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOMEPOINT, DAMMIT!_

_If you haven't read it yet, read it NOW!_

_It'll probably be a while for my next chapter, because my holidays are just about over. And there are a few people who have this story on their favourite list. I haven't heard from you at all! REVIEW (in a scary voice)._

'_til the next chapter, see ya._


	10. The Trap Crap

_Disclaimer: I don't own DMC or Predator or anything. The only thing I own is half of my brain. (Space Mutants own the other half)_

_Ten chapters done already? The time flies when you're bored and have nothing else to do… Somehow, that didn't come out quite the way I meant it to. Anyway thanks to all those who reviewed. My "hit" list just went above 600! I'm in a very good mood, so if you have any favours, now is the time to ask. In an even better note, I got over 25 reviews! I could kiss an elephants butt! Well, not literally, but I could still kiss anything else less smelly. (fan girls, come this way!). And I've got a big surprise for the end of the story, I want to make a huge difference at the end of the story, like Dante losing to Mundus, or him crashing the plane. Seeing the material that I have left, this'll probably be over in a few chapters. I'm getting tired of it, so I'm gonna stop putting the missions in, it's starting to take up too much effort and I'm gonna divide the chapters into parts instead._

_Right, that's about it for now so lets get to business._

* * *

_**Chapter 10: The Trap Crap**_

_--In Mundus' Lair--_

Servant: Here is your dinner, master.

Mundus: Ooh! Baked beans, Brussels sprouts and Indian curry mushed into one? My favourite!

_Ten Minutes Later…_

Servant: Now for your dessert!

Mundus: Rhubarb tart! You know, I heard that this is a laxative! Oh, well. Bottoms up!

_Half an Hour later…_

Mu_ndus is running frantically around the castle looking for a toilet._

Mundus: Ohhh my Go- er… Oh, me? WHERE THE HELL IS THE FRIGGIN TOILET!

_He finds his private bathroom and lets loose. He forgets to flush. BUM BUM BUMMMMMMM!_

Dante took a look at the steering wheel that he just picked up. It was just an ordinary steering wheel with a leather coating on it, but there was a socket at the back to show that it needed to be put on something.

Dante shrugged his shoulders and started playing with the wheel. He pretended that he was in a Formula 1 race and he was winning.

Dante started making engine noises with his mouth (that mouth can make a whole bunch of noises) and turning the wheel sharply.

Eventually he crashed and he pretended to die.

………………..

………………..

……

………………..

…………

………………..

………………..

Ifrit burned him.

"YOWCH!" Dante rose screaming, looking for a place to put out the fire on his head (the smell of burning plastic filled the alcove).

Dante jumped on the platform, ignoring the shiny blue thing beside him. (gasp)

Dante ran out of the coliseum and into the courtyard. Dante's fear of the dark was forgotten and replaced with his fear of becoming bald.

Dante then got an idea; he would drop on the ground and roll around. The fire on his wig simmered down. That was all well and good, but the grass all around him ignited and started a fire.

Dante walked to the door, blissfully unaware of the forest fire all around him, burning everything in sight and spreading to all the other areas of the countryside. Mundus was really going to be pissed of when he found out that Dante had managed to burn all of his garden down. Oh, well, Mundus was going to try and kill him anyway.

Alastor and Ifrit gulped and loosened their collars (if they had any)

Dante walked up to the place where you're meant to put the wheel of destiny.

Where there used to be an indent on the ground, there was now what looked like a golf caddy without any wheels, which included the steering wheel.

Dante put the wheel on and the golf caddy rose into the air and slowly levitated over to the other side.

But Dante wasn't on it.

"DAMMIT!" he bellowed when the caddy reached the other side and had no signs of returning.

Dante then was forced to climb _all_ the way down the cliff, then climb_ all _the way back up from the other side, after having to swim across the river down at the bottom, avoiding all the piranhas down there. After what seemed like ages, he reached the door.

Dante walked slowly through the dark corridor, jumping at every slight movement as the only thing that lighted the place up was his shiny rock. Like I said earlier, Dante had a fear of the dark.

Alastor had an idea how to still hurt Dante by shocking him, all she had to do was to try and get him right in his brain and…

It had no affect on Dante whatsoever. She tried again. Dante's brain didn't react. Soon Alastor discovered why, Dante's brain was actually a pile of rubber with a battery in the middle. Alastor gave up shocking Dante and resorted to cutting him with her blade.

Dante yelled and ran through the dark corridor, forgetting that he was surrounded by darkness.

Soon he was back in the big hall. Dante noticed the panel thingie on the other side of the hall that could become shiny if he hit it hard enough.

He did so.

Thunder rumbled in the sky. Dante pissed himself. Luckily he was wearing a nappy.

Lightning struck right through the shattered glass (where Phantom fell through) and a white-blue coloured bat appeared. When it saw Dante, it flew a little closer to him and turned human shape. A single eye appeared and blue light appeared around it.

Dante thought that it was challenging him to a staring contest. He opened his eyes wide and stared right at the (its called a Plasma) Plasma.

The energy beam went right through Dante's eye, but since it was electric it had no effect.

The Plasma blinked out of astonishment.

"HAH!" Dante said triumphantly as he punched the air. "I WIN!"

The Plasma shrugged its shoulders and began attacking Dante. Dante stood still as the Plasma's fists and sword passed harmlessly through him. Dante started laughing as he got an idea.

Dante ran right through the Plasma. The Plasma stamped its foot in annoyance.

Dante ran right through him again, this time guffawing like a complete idiot.

Then again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and… you get the idea.

The Plasma put it's hands in a choking motion, imagining them around Dante's neck. Dante ran through him again, still laughing.

The Plasma suddenly turned a light shade of red out of anger.

Dante continued running through the Plasma.

The Plasma turned a deeper shade of red as it jumped up and down on the spot.

Soon the Plasma was a deep crimson. It raised it's hand and showed Dante the finger. Dante started crying.

BANG!

The Plasma exploded. Dante cried even louder.

Ifrit burned him to shut him up. Fat chance.

Dante ran around the room while screaming his head off. After about half an hour, Dante shut up and got on with it. He went through the door to find another Plasma advancing on him. It was at that very moment that the battery in Dante's brain ran out of power.

Dante's mouth hung open and his eyes went unfocused. But something completely unexpected happened just then and there. A plug came out of his head, like an electrical strand of hair.

The Plasma pretended like nothing strange just happened and it tried to kill Dante, with a single swing of it's sword.

Now, you're gonna have to follow this part carefully, because it might seem a bit weird.

When the sword connected with Dante's head, the electricity came into contact with the plug. The plug sucked in the electricity. The Plasma felt itself weakening. The sword was getting sucked into the plug bit by bit.

Soon the whole sword was gone and the Plasma's hand was getting sucked in now. The sucking speeded up, soon the entire arm was gone. The Plasma gave one last shriek as it was given the worst punishment ever; an eternity stuck inside Dante's head. The plug rolled back up and Dante's eyes went back to normal. His mouth was still hanging out though.

"What just happened?" Dante asked.

Alastor and Ifrit's eyes were wide open.

"Never mind," Dante said huffily as he pressed on.

At the end of the next corridor Dante came across the place where he first found Alastor. Where the coach of death used to be there was now a completely normal large blue door. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was the sign on it that read: "Mundus' Private Bathroom. DO NOT ENTER!"

Since Dante couldn't read this didn't matter. He walked through.

As soon as he closed the door the most horrible stink that he had ever smelled reached Dante's nostrils (and THAT is saying something! This guy practically invented stink!). Dante found where the stink was coming from. He also discovered what the sign on the door meant.

The biggest toilet that Dante had ever seen was in the middle of the room. Judging by the smell, the last time that it had been used it wasn't flushed. Dante held his nose and walked over to it to flush it. He carefully climbed up to the flusher-type thingie that I have no idea what it's called. Dante chanced a nervous glance down at the contents of the bowl. As soon as his head tipped slightly forward, the stink became unbearable, forcing him to put his head upright. Dante was disgusted to put it EXTREMELY mildly. I mean, come on, he could actually see the stink lines radiating from it! He could almost _hear_ the smell it was that bad! He pulled on the flusher thing and hopped down. The usual flushing noises that a toilet makes echoed through the air. That's when it all started. There was simply too much crap to flush. The toilet suddenly made a strange noise. Dante cautiously got off it and backed away from it.

The noises got louder and louder. Dante gasped, he knew what was happening; the toilet was backfiring.

Dante turned to run away, but it was too late.

An almighty heap of crap was fired out of the toilet and into the air. It landed on the ground with a huge sloshing noise.

Dante wrinkled his nose. The Underworld was obviously in need of Plumbers. He was about to move on when the crap moved slowly towards Dante. Since it was spawn of Mundus (no prizes for guessing what part of the body it came out of), it had an unbearable urge to destroy the Sparda bloodline.

Dante suddenly got a rush of confidence.

"Come on, bitch!" he taunted it.

The crap made a sound that resembled roaring.

"I'll mop the floor with you!" Dante continued, not noticing the crap binding his feet and raising up to his legs.

"I slept with yo mama!" Dante said teasingly.

The crap was up to his waist.

"I eat shit like you for breakfast!" Dante said.

Then he was up to his chest in crap. Dante had a confused look on his face.

"Alastor?"

"Hmm?"

"I said that I ate shit like him for breakfast, but I never thought that shit like him would eat me for breakfast!"

"Shows what you know"

Dante was then plunged under and transported to the Nightmare world.

He took a look around. There were floating skulls all around and there was a familiar shadow in the corner. He walked up to one of the skulls. The skull tried eating him.

"Awwwww!" Dante cooed "he likes me!"

The skull soon bit off Dante's pocket, making all the buggers, crisp packets and shiny stuff fall out.

Dante seemed ominously calm. Alastor and Ifrit braced themselves.

Dante was still eerily calm after a while. Ten more minutes passed. He went red in the face. The skull froze. Dante's face went redder (_déjà vu?_). The skull backed off a bit.

Dante devil triggered and killed the skull in an instant. He saw the other skulls watching him. With a shriek, Dante charged at them.

"DIEYOUSONOFABITCHDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEEEEEE!" he shrieked nonsensically.

When all the skulls had gone, the shadow revealed itself. It was Phantom. BUM BUM BUMMMMM (sorry, I couldn't help it!).

Dante un-devil-triggered (is that even a word?) and grinned sheepishly at Phantom.

"Emm… hello there…ol' buddy ol' pal?" Dante whimpered nervously.

Phantom remained silent and cracked hid knuckles. Dante gulped audibly. Destroying whatever heroic plans he had that involved bravery, he turned tail and fled, screaming. He did his old battle technique that involved him running around in repeated circles while screaming.

Phantom looked round and round, trying to follow Dante's progress.

Soon he became extremely dizzy and fainted (that was pathetic, sorry).

Dante was transported out of the Nightmare world without noticing it. With a flash of light he broke out of the crap. He was still running around in circles screaming though.;

Luckily enough, the symbols on the wall were voice activated, hardening the Shitemare (like my name for him? Shite? Geddit? Shut up, I'll write the story the way **I** like it).

The Shitemare revealed it's core and started to attack Dante.

Dante noticed the core. It was unbelievably shiny, and he wanted it. He jumped on to the Shitemare and grabbed the core. The Shitemare started struggling and tossing about, but the love of the shiny thing gave Dante enough strength to hold on.

Dante jumped of the Shitemare while holding the core. He decided that it would be fun to play basketball with it, so he started dribbling around the room. Every time the core made contact with the ground, It got damaged. And, the fact that the Shitemare was still living without it had to count for something on it's part.

Eventually it shrieked and sunk into the ground. The core went with it. Dante looked at his hands.

He fell down onto his knees and held his head in both arms.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sniffling, he opened the door and went outside. His eyes were too blurred for him to see properly, so he fell down into the ocean. KERSPLASH!

Dante was back in the cavern type thingie. He looked around. There were skulls there. He was instantly reminded of the skull that took his shiny things. His eyes flashed red

The skulls were gone within seconds.

At the place at the end of the bridge, he realised that the staff that he received was shining like a torch. He took it out and admired it. The paintings appeared and the staff vanished. Dante was heartbroken. He had learned his lesson; to be more careful when he loves again.

Dante inspected the painting on the left.

"What now?" he asked.

"I dunno," Ifrit replied.

"Hmm," Alastor said "what possible reason is a painting here? It could be a clue…"

Dante grinned stupidly and leaped through it.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Alastor shrieked.

"I dunno," Dante said, upset "I see a painting, I jump through it."

-Flashback-

Dante is at the Louvre museum in Paris. He walks around, bored as he passes the sculptures.

His eyes brighten as he sees the paintings. He then sees the most famous one of all; the Mona Lisa. As the guards turn to look at him, he jumps right through it and bangs his head against the wall behind it.

The guards point their guns at him. Dante laughs maniacally and throws a smoke bomb at the floor.

When the guards sight is restored, Dante is gone.

-End Flashback-

Dante looks around. He was actually where he was supposed to be.

"Oh," said Alastor

* * *

_That was short, sorry. But it's been a while and I didn't want to keep me fans waiting (yeah right, as if I have fans!) so I went ahead and posted it. Thanks to all of those who reviewed, and to those who e-mailed. Much appreciated._

_Well, I've got absolutely **NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT, SO READ THIS. I WANT YOU, THE READER, TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO NEXT. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE NOT A MEMBER OR IF YOU'RE ANONYMOUS, TELL ME. AND TO ALL OF THOSE WHO READ THIS FOR FUN, TELL ME YOUR OPINION ON WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN NEXT. I CANT WRITE A CHAPTER WITHOUT ANY IDEAS, SO NO MORE'LL COME IF YOU DON'T TELL ME**. _

_I'm serious. Tell me what you want to happen next. I need some help here. If you review, I'll make credits at the end of the last chapter and put your name in. You know you want to, go on, your idea will most likely be picked._

_See ya (how soon is depending on how many people give me ideas)_


	11. DIY For Dummies and Dantes

_Disclaimer: Anything that's copyrighted in this story is not owned by me._

_Joe: There it is again. The one ultimate disclaimer, idiotproof. (Gromit runs headfirst into the disclaimer, laughing maniacally). Joe: Umm… well, maybe it's not idiot proof. It's still good. (If you're wondering what the hell of this Joe and Gromit stuff is, click on my pen name at the top of the story, it'll explain everything)_

_Anyway, sorry about that whole thing at the end of the last chapter. It was pretty much stupid, why should all of you help me out? It's my story and its my fault if I end up ruining it. But, some of you didn't realise that and helped me out. SUCKERS! Ahem. Forget what I just said. As I promised, I'll put some credits at the end of the story with all of your names in it, but you'll have to keep reminding me, as I'll probably forget. I got some interesting ideas there and some of them will most likely be used. _

_Like I said in the last chapter or so, you'll have tough luck if you want me to stick to the original script, I'm gonna make a huge twist at some point in the story. _

_Don't like, don't read. Who the HELL am I kidding? READ IT, READ IT AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!_

_This story has an actual fight in it, and a bit that some of you may find a bit too realistic and tragic for a comedy._

_Well, enough crazy talk, here I go._

* * *

_**Chapter 11: DIY For Dummies (and Dantes)**_

Dante took a look around the hallway that he had just entered (by means of jumping through a painting).

He had a strange feeling that he had been there before. Then again, he gets a lot of strange feelings. He doesn't complain, its all included in the contract of being crazy.

He noticed the stairway. He laughed maniacally and started chewing on the nearest brick to him.

Ifrit had a disgusted look on hid face and Alastor closed her eyes and prayed for strength. Ifrit rolled his eyes up to heaven in impatience.

By the time Alastor opened her eyes and Ifrit looked back down, there was a brick missing from the stairs. Dante was already on the second one, his rate of swallowing increasing by the second. This was disturbing enough, but the fact that he was making "Mmm" noises was just disgusting. Alastor blinked. Half the staircase was missing when her eyes opened. After a few seconds more of this, Dante had his fill. An entire half of the staircase had deteriorated over the last 40 seconds. What he didn't realise was that there were demons on that staircase, the last thing that they all saw was Dante's gaping mouth while he made "Mmm" noises.

Dante opened the door at the end of what was remaining of the staircase. (The door was one of the few things that he didn't devour)

He shut the door and turned to face the contents of the room. His heart skipped a beat.

_There were books everywhere._

Dante pulled his hair out and screamed. He suddenly realised that instead of a clump of hair, he was holding a wig. He shrugged his shoulders and put it back on, turning back to the nightmarish situation that he was facing.

He started sweating madly and he ran around in circles while trying to think of what to do next. Unfortunately no matter how many times he managed he come to the conclusion, coconuts would not make the books disappear.

He could still not think of what to do and he was starting to feel the walls closing in. Edumacation and things for Smart-type people were starting to bury him alive.

Alastor and Ifrit were looking at him funny, why was Dante lying down screaming on the floor for no apparent reason? Alastor was _still_ adding to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante.

After a while Dante realised that books and "Edumacation" were _not_ trying to strangle him. He got up and wiped the dust off his coat.

After a while of looking around he noticed the painting suddenly appearing. His face broke into a wide, idiotic grin. He did his maniac laugh and dived headfirst through it.

He found himself in a coliseum. He didn't notice anything particularly odd about the place and walked up to the door. His stomach made an odd noise, acting like a Spider Sense. It was, actually, reacting to all the cement and concrete he was digesting.

At that moment, two Frosts landed on the rooftop nearby and made this big dramatic entrance. Now _this_, you all have to agree, is either very good timing or very predictable story telling.

Dante got an irresistible urge to vomit. So irresistible that he actually did vomit, right then and there. At this point the Frosts are just after jumping. When Dante hurled, it wasn't stomach acid, gunk and carrots that came out, but cement and concrete. What was really the strange bit though, was the fact that the bricks landed side by side with a little bit of cement on them. Then another layer landed on top of them with a perfect amount of cement sticking the two layers together. This was all happening as they came out of Dante's mouth. It was like watching a DIY video in fast forward.

The two Frosts smashed into the wall, like a bird into a window. Dante wiped his mouth and looked at his creation; he had absolutely no idea that he had just managed to defeat two powerful enemies.

He had obviously never read "DIY for Dummies", rule 1: DO NOT EAT THE EQUIPMENT THAT YOU ARE BUILDING SOMETHING WITH!

Alastor and Ifrit were once again jaw dropped at the stupidity and sheer dumb luck that Dante causes every day.

Dante went on through the castle when he came to the door that leads to the room with the dragon. He paused just before his hand came into contact with the door.

"What?" Ifrit asked impatiently. (Oh, my god. Ifrit has turned into Alastor!)

"Something tells me that I shouldn't go in there," Dante said with a hint of anxiety in his voice.

"Yeah," Alastor agreed "but you didn't feel _anything_ when you decided to eat the staircase, did you?"

"Touché" Dante replied. With that he opened the door.

Inside was the biggest skeleton Dante had ever seen. It looked like a dinosaur of some sort, but it had a t-rex's head on some others body.

He realised that it definitely wasn't a dinosaur when a fireball erupted from its mouth. Dante stood stock still, eyes wide open.

"MOVE DANTE, MOVE!" Alastor shrieked.

But his face wasn't that of a terrified man, more like a lunatic in Disneyland. He had a crooked grin plastered all over his face as if he was just injected with cocaine.

The fireball came closer and closer, threatening to burn Dante within one inch of his life.

The ball was just about to make impact with Dante when he suddenly did something completely unexpected. He opened his mouth wide, like a baby waiting for the choo-choo train to come into its mouth. He swallowed the fireball. That normally would have killed a man, but since when was Dante normal?

The dragon put a confused face on it's bony features, the prey was meant to have been killed by that.

Dante took a step closer to the dragon. The dragon shot another fireball at Dante. He ate this one as well. Dante kept coming, his steps becoming almost mechanical, and for some reason, he devil triggered, making his eyes flash red.

The dragon panicked and shot a flurry of fireballs, one coming directly after the other. When the smoke cleared, Dante was still slowly coming towards it, his feet making a "thump" noise as they hit the ground.

Unfortunately, the dragon had watched the terminator movies one too many times and was seriously freaked out by all of this.

Dante was just about to reach the dragon when it fainted from fright, making the barrier go away. He was looking at the support beams that were holding the dragon up. _Pretty_, he thought as he touched one of them.

**SMASH!**

The dragon fell apart, bones breaking away from each other. Dante's hand was still held out when it had finished falling apart.

"I didn't do it" he said quickly.

Alastor and Ifrit were busy adding to the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante to bother yelling at him.

He turned the lever thing and watched the light flash on the other side of the room. Something shiny over there immediately grabbed his attention. He was almost there in an instant. He picked the thing up, and after polishing it he pocketed it and walked on.

He reached the door where you have to put the mercury and walked through. SMACK!

"Open the door before you walk through!" Alastor rasped hoarsely.

Muttering curses, Dante opened the door and walked into the room.

He noticed a figure in the shadows beside the cathedral like window. Lightning flashed outside, adding to the scene. The figure turned around. It was Verg… The Dark Knight.

"Hiya, Vergil" Dante said cheerfully as he strolled up to greet his brother.

Vergil was not as happy to greet his brother as Dante was.

"This time, I will kill you" he said darkly.

Dante was silent for a while. Then he grinned. He winked at Vergil.

"Yeah, I gotcha, like that game we used to always play as kids"

Vergil winced at the thought. "No, brother, I will really kill you"

Dante looked confused, "then, will it be my go to kill you?"

Vergil removed his mask (in a very overdone way). His face had an extremely annoyed look to it. "No, brother, you will, die, period."

Dante sulked. "That's no fun!" he whined.

"Its not meant to be"

"Then why are we playing it, then"

"We're not playing, here, brother. I'm really going to kill you."

Dante was still having problems with this half an hour later.

"So, you kill me, then we play a different game?"

"NO! THERE IS NO MORE GAMES AFTER THIS!"

"Why? Is it bed time?"

"No, you'll be dead"

"I know, in the game. I still can't see why I don't get a go!"

"BECAUSE YOU WILL BE DEAD!"

"Your game's too realistic, can't we pretend that I have super strong armour and can't die?"

"NO! It's real life, you're really gonna die!"

"Yes, just like all games are real life, but I want a god go at the game, please, Verge!"

"THAT'S IT, YOU DIE **NOW**!" Vergil screamed as he swung his blade.

Dante ducked, then pushed his arm forward in a pretend punch, stopping his arm just before it made contact with Vergil's face.

Vergil stared at him blankly.

"No fair!" Dante said angrily "I hit you, you have to pretend that you're hurt!"

"Nuh-uh! I have armour that blocks all attacks!" said Vergil, suddenly thinking that he was playing a game with Dante.

"That's not allowed in this game!" Dante retorted angrily.

"Yes it is!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

Vergil was just about to reply again when he realised what was going on. He started killing Dante again. He picked Dante up by the collar and pushed him against the wall.

"I eat shit like you for breakfast" he growled menacingly.

He didn't get the response that he was looking for. Dante's frightened face broke into a disgusted one.

"Eww! You eat shit for breakfast?"

Vergil was taken aback.

"No-" he said quickly "its an expression-"

"Hah-hah!" Dante laughed teasingly "Vergil eats shit breakfast!"

"I do _not_!" Vergil said, disgruntled.

"Yes you do!" Dante said mockingly "You even said it yourself!"

Vergil roared and threw Dante across the room.

Dante laughed as he landed on his feet.

"Not a scratch!" he teased. "Remember last time? You never hurt me!"

A sudden gust of wind blew Dante's wig off.

…….

……

……

"Shut up!" Dante said in an annoyed tone.

"Hah!" Vergil laughed "I remember all right, I gave you a haircut! You never got a proper haircut since 3rd grade!"

Dante roared and charged at Vergil, Alastor brandished. He actually managed to land a few stroked, mainly due to his sudden burst of anger.

A fight ensued (yes, a proper fight), a fight that neither of them had experienced in years, not since they were separated at youth when their mother was slaughtered. It actually brought back some memories for both, reminding them of times when they had fought, even of some good times together. Unfortunately they both remembered the time when Dante had fallen out of a tree and landed on his head. He had lost countless IQ that day. Both of them continued fighting, though it had become more forced, since both of them were finding it harder to fight the other.

Vergil, shedding the memories, reminded himself about his duty. With a roar he launched himself into the air, phantom blades started circling him. He was preparing himself for an attack that would probably kill Dante.

_Authors Note: Right, back to the comedy._

It was at this moment that Dante's stomach unsettled again, reacting to all the cement, bricks and fire he swallowed. _Yes, there's plenty of that stuff left, remember, this guy devoured an entire staircase!_

He hurled again, but this time only a single brick emerged from his mouth, but this single brick was propelled forward by the flame he had eaten, acting like a missile.

The brick hit Vergil square between the eyes, making him drop like a stone, the phantom blades fell as well, making a circle of blades all around his fallen body.

Dante rushed to his side and picked him up.

"Vergil, are you alright? Answer me!"

Suddenly, his brain went onto low battery, making brief periods of death occur. His hands loosened, dropping Vergil onto the blades.

There was a slight squishing noise as Vergil was impaled.

Dante's brain activated again. He looked down.

"OH MY GOD! Are you alright, Vergil!"

He picked Vergil back up again.

His brain went on low battery, acting like a phone on low battery, turning off one moment, them suddenly having enough power to be turned back on the next. He dropped Vergil again.

Squish.

Back on.

Off.

Squish.

This pattern was repeated for a while when Vergil finally died.

He rose into the air, blue light radiating from him, a low scream of anguish coming from his mouth. Suddenly he was gone. A shiny thing fell onto the floor.

Dante rushed to it's side instantly and picked it up, his magpie senses tingling.

It was an amulet, identical to his own, the only difference was that it was made of gold rather than silver. Suddenly the two reacted, raising into the air and circling each other, then colliding, like two jigsaw pieces.

Dante got a Flashback from his youth.

_Eva: Vergil, Dante, happy birthday._

_Dante: Wow!_

_Vergil: Cool!_

_Dante: I want the chocolate._

_Vergil: No, I WANT THE CHOCOLATE!_

_Dante: Hands off!_

_Eva: STOP IT! Do you want me to post the two of you to Mexico? Cos' I will!_

_Twins in frightened voices: Again?_

_Eva: No, the last time I sent you to a crack farm in Iraq, but this time it'll be worse!_

_Twins in unison: We'll be good!_

_Eva: Good, now I'll just inject you with these happy juices and you can go to bed… idiots…_

_The two boys are injected with tranquillisers and are posted to Mexico, only to be returned a year later._

Suddenly his first sword, Force Edge started vibrating. Dante thought that it was doing that for comfort reasons and started making… comfort noises.

"EWWW!" Alastor and Ifrit yelled in unison.

Dante took Force Edge into his hands and was given a nice surprise.

The two amulets (now one big amulet) fused into Force Edge, making one cool looking transformation.

Red lightning came out of the newly formed sword, which was now Sparda.

Dante's eyes widened to a size that should have been impossible.

"Coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooll! He said ecstatically.

He tried a few combos when he noticed a sound coming from the sword.

There was a faint "Zzz" noise coming from it, as if it was sleeping.

A portal appeared in the middle of the room. Dante jumped in.

_In the Underworld_

Mundus: Get me my Chemistry set, NOW!

Servant: yes, sir

_Minutes later…_

Mundus: Right… a little evil here… some stupidity here….incompetence of course…

Servant: Incompetence, sir?

Mundus: Of course! They wouldn't be my minions if they were competent, would they?

Servant: Do you really want to play God, sir?

Mundus: OF COURSE I DO, AND IF I DO, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE TO YOU? I DO WHAT I WANT!

He then fries the servant to ashes. All the other minions in the room look nervously at Mundus before returning to their work with renewed motivation; they wanted to stay alive.

The monster turns out like a mutated dog-human type thing. The nearest servant looked at it, repulsed.

Mundus: What do you think?

Servant#2: Ermm…it's a masterpiece, sir.

Mundus: I'll call it…Nobody…

* * *

Back at the land occupied by humans, an editor fixes the problems found with the latest version of "DIY for Dummies". Apparently some of the dummies out there who badly needed it weren't reading it.

He changed the title. It was now: "DIY for Dummies (and Dante's)"

"That should do it" he said happily.

* * *

_All done, another chapter gone, of course, there'll be more to come._

_By the way, thanks to all of you who reviewed, I'm past 30 reviews! I'll decide **not** to destroy the Earth… Ahem, ignore what I just said._

_Anyway, a lot of the ideas posted to me weren't used yet, but don't worry, they'll show up in the next few chapters._

_See ya._


	12. Toilet Duck, The Mutant Dogs & a Stone

_Disclaimer: Anything in this story that's copyrighted is not owned by me._

_Joe: Right, I'm back! There were a few ideas that didn't get used last time. They're gonna come up in the next few chapters. _

_For all of you mole people fans, don't worry, they'll be back shortly (it takes ages for damaged bones to heal don't you know) and at the end of the story they'll be making a grand finale. _

* * *

_**Chapter 12: Toilet Duck, The Mutated Dog Things and a Falling Stone**_

Dante was standing in the place where the picture of the coliseum was. In the space in the wall beside it there was now a strange looking picture that looked slightly blurred. Of course before anyone had time to take any of this information in, Dante had already jumped through it in impulse.

He found himself underwater when he came to. There was no sight of surface anywhere. Dante swum around frantically for some air. What he didn't realise was that he was nowhere near running out of breath. Alastor and Ifrit were having too much fun to tell him. Dante was becoming more and more desperate, swimming over here then, after a silent fit, swimming swiftly over to another place, then making a choking motion with his hands as if he was suffocating.

Alastor and Ifrit were in pain from keeping a straight face.

Dante had managed to swim through the tunnel. Inside he found a few sin-perverts who were out for revenge because of Dante's killing of their "life partners".

They started a freaky cackle that gave Dante goosebumps. They floated towards Dante with their scissors in their hands.

Dante sneezed. The mixture of phlegm and snot touched one of them. It blinked.

"YAAAARGH! I'LL NEVER GET THAT STAIN OUT!"

Then it rushed towards it's comrades, in dire need of a bubble bath with bubble gum flavour bubbles. Dante would pay. One of them shrieked and swung its scissor at Dante. Dante evaded and stuck his tongue out.

"Missed me, missed me now you gotta-" he clasped his hands over his mouth before he could finish the sentence. Even an idiot such as Dante knew the foolishness of what he had just done. The sins had a mysteriously happy look to their faces as they moved slowly towards Dante. Dante gave a squeal and turned to swim away. In his haste, he didn't realise that he couldn't swim. All the swimming that he had done so far was really just a flimsy version of the doggy paddle.

His homophobia gave him enough strength to open the door that lay before him. When he opened it he noticed the wall of water.

Alastor blinked. Ifrit's jaw dropped. How in the _blue hell was water forming a wall?_

Dante reached into his pocket and took out a small sachet filled with powder. He looked at it for a while, while thinking something along the lines of "What am I smoking?". He then threw it away and walked on.

He came to the thingie where you have to hit it to make it shiny. Dante was more than obliged to do so.

Water started filling the room. Dante looked extremely embarrassed.

"I think I had an accident" he said uncomfortably.

Soon the entire tower was covered in water. Dante had no choice but to swim upwards. When he finally reaches the top, the water vanishes. He notices the egg thing in the corner.

"Eheheheheh" he said strangely "heheheheh-TAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHHHIIIIIINNNNYYYYYY!"

He grabbed the egg and jumps off the railing, smashing his face against the floor. He knocks the door open as he trips over his shoe laces, knocking face first into the fire below. He didn't know whether to roll around screaming madly or to sing with happiness. He makes do with rolling around screaming.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!"

After he stopped burning, he looked around, he noticed the fire that had just set him ablaze. He threw the shiny egg in for good measure, and for the fun of it.

Shitemare took this as a good time to attack Dante. As soon as Shitemare entered, a horrible smell filled the room. Dante turned around and mistook Shitemare for a puddle.

"PUDDLE!" he shrieked as he jumped into Shitemare, like a little schoolboy.

He started jumping up and down, banging his feet against Shitemare.

"What is that horrible smell?" thought Shitemare. It wasn't he that was making the smell, but Dante banging his feet on him.

Dante realised that he was dipping his feet in a huge puddle of crap. Slowly, he stopped his feet and stared blankly at Shitemare.

For no particular reason, I'm giving Shitemare the ability to talk.

"GET OFFA ME, YOU STUPID HAIRLESS MONKEY!" Shitemare screamed loudly in a voice as disgusting as he was.

Dante started to cry; he didn't like being insulted. Shitemare was such a bully.

Dante sulked and turned his back on Shitemare, making a "Humph!" noise. His lower lip was bigger than usual and when Shitemare sloshed around to the other side of Dante, facing him, Dante turned his back on Shitemare and made another "Humph!".

Shitemare gave up, hardened and started blasting Dante with his little shiny sticks.

Dante was stung by the attack and turned to face Shitemare, red in the face.

"Come, on then, turd!" Dante taunted, putting on a calm façade.

He touched a nerve.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Shitemare retaliated.

Shitemare was just about to attack Dante when he saw the look on his face.

"What?" Dante said, nonplussed "I'm dead?"

Alastor cut him "it's an expression, you dope!"

Dante ignored her while inspecting his body.

"Cool! I never noticed that before" he said interestedly.

Shitemare stared at him.

Alastor and Ifrit hurt him badly.

Dante suddenly got a rush of adrenaline. He looked at Shitemare.

"DIEYOUSONOFABITCH, DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!" he bellowed as he charged at Shitemare, slicing the crap into little bits. The crap joined back together, leaving Shitemare without a scratch. Dante didn't realise this and kept slicing at Shitemare. Shitemare sighed and stood still as Dante tried killing him.

Half an Hour Later-

Dante was worn out from trying to kill Shitemare. Shitemare, on the other hand, was bored stiff from standing there. Dante soon collapsed from exhaustion.

Shitemare hardened and started attacking Dante.

Dante's head got banged in and a crooked grin broke across his face. He also realised that he was getting his ass kicked. He took a pipe out of his pocket and put it on his face, then put on a sailors cap.

He took out a can of spinach.

"Looks like I'm runnin' low on gas, nyik, nyik!" he said in a low goatish voice different from his usual tone. He squeezed the can tightly. Nothing happened. Dante went red in the face. He squeezed tighter. His hands started hurting. He put then can under his foot and tried pulling it open. He threw it on the ground and jumped on it. Shitemare was enjoying all of this. After a long while of struggling, Dante took out a can opener and opened the can.

He squeezed the can again and made the spinach come into his mouth, and for some reason, the "Popeye" theme tune came on.

"Nyik, this'll put some tussle to me muscle, some length to me strength, nyik, nyik!

He tried flexing his muscles, but all that showed was a jiggle of some flab. He ignored this and started punching a very confused looking Shitemare with Ifrit. Since you can't exactly stop a burning knuckle, Shitemare was affected.

Soon Shitemare roared and fled. A strange noise cut across the silence. Dante turned around took the egg out of the fire.

It was still an egg. He turned to look at the fire. On the base below it read: Error 461: Dud.

Dante groaned and put the unchanged (though slightly charred) egg in his pocket. A portal opened in the centre of the courtyard. Dante had nothing better to do, so he jumped in.

He was standing in the room where the pictures of the coliseum and the flooded corridor where, though at the moment they were both gone. Dante could see nothing to do here so he opened the door and walked down to the bottom of what was remaining of the staircase (read chapter 11) and stepped in the next portal. He was standing in the place where he jumped through the first picture. He noticed a picture that he had not yet jumped in. He did his maniac laugh and bounded through.

He was in a bedroom where he first met his brother. He didn't care about that. There was a bed in there. Devil hunting (or something like it, in Dante's case) was tiring. With a yawn, he plonked himself on the bed and fell asleep, ignoring the protests Alastor and Ifrit were yelling.

………..

…………

………….

………….

………….

…………..

…………….

…………..

…………..

……………

…………..

……………

………….

………….

……………

……………

………………………………...

SIZZLE!

KERFRIGGINZAAAAAAAP!

Dante rose with a start.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!

OH HOLY , SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, GIVE ME F(T Rated) STRENGTH! I'M GONNA KILL THE MOTHER F(T rated)BASTARD THAT DID THIS!"

He yelled profanities for quite some time, until he ran out of curses. He quietened down and took a look around the room. He noticed the mirror. He immediately walked up to look at his reflection.

"Who's _that_ handsome devil?" he asked the mirror with pride.

The mirror made no response.

Dante repeated himself.

……………..

Dante threw the egg through the mirror in anger. To his surprise, a passageway was behind it. Which explained how Vergil managed to walk through it. Dante walked through with caution. There was a couple of Blades in there smoking weed. The entire room was engulfed with smoke. Dante inhaled the fumes without realising it. Suddenly the whole room seemed blurry.

"Whooaaaah!" he said queasily, "Duuuuuuude!"

He walked out the window and looked around. Everything was hard to see through the eyes of a stoner. He looked at the support in the middle of the courtyard and noticed something on it. He picked it up.

It was a blue bottle with a label on it. It read: _Extra Strength Toilet Duck: Gets Rid of even Unholy Stains!_

Alastor had to read it out to Dante. Dante slowly nodded his head, he was losing control of his body and limbs.

Suddenly three mutated dog things fell out of the sky; they got on the wrong side of Mundus, and Mundus was in a bad mood anyway; they were foolish to anger him.

They landed with a thud on the ground. Dante took a step backwards. With a groan, one of them got up. It noticed Dante and started a really freaky dance. For some reason, the rest of them decided that this looked fun so they joined in. Dante was surrounded with dancing freaks. He slowly moved away. They didn't seem to notice, they were too caught up in their weird dance.

As soon as Dante stepped back in the room, his vision returned. He looked at the toilet duck he received. There was only one place that this could be used. He gulped; he hated that place. He had made plenty of bad smells in his time, but the one in that room scared him. But there was no choice.

When he reached the cathedral like room, he looked inside the toilet. All the traces of Shitemare's presence in there had vanished. But there was still something in there. At the bottom of the bowl, there was a thin film of mucus. It was see through, and behind it was what looked like a vortex of fire. Dante's eyes lit up. He squirted the toilet duck in and stood in the bowl. Nothing happened.

He sighed and pulled the flusher.

With a huge sucking noise, Dante was sucked into the underworld.

He looked around. Everything looked as if it was alive. He then noticed an indent on a nearby wall.

He walked over to it and opened it. There was a label on it, but since Dante couldn't read it didn't matter. It read: _Trish's Wardrobe: STAY OUT POTENTIAL PERVERTS!_

Dante rummaged around and realised that all of the contents were clothes. It came to him that they were all new age fashion trends that he hadn't gone with yet, so he tried them all on, put the cosmetics on, used the hair lengtheners and used the "Do It Yourself Blonde Hair Dye: For all of those silver roots!". He thought, that since his hair was completely silver, he should use it.

Dante, son of the legendary dark knight Sparda, was wearing a bra.

Alastor was disgusted. Ifrit was near to vomiting.

He strolled around casually, as if cross dressing was completely normal. He had absolutely no idea where he was going, losing all memory of the directions that he was taking. He actually managed to find a shortcut round the defences to Mundus' throne. He looked around; everything was shiny. This must be heaven. He couldn't have been more wrong.

"Ah, there you are, Trish" erupted a booming voice from behind him.

Dante realise how tight the woman's denims he was wearing were. He was in severe pain in his nether regions, making his voice high pitched and almost exactly a females voice. Which was fitting, seeing his current situation.

"Have you got my hankies?"

"No, Mundus" Dante replied, trying to put on a polite tone to this weirdo, not wanting to start a fight so soon, but it ended up surprisingly feminine.

"WELL YOU HAD BETTER GET THEM, HADN'T YOU?"

With a huff, Mundus stormed off. Dante unloosened his belt, getting rid of the unbearable pain downstairs. His voice returned to normal. And, luckily enough, Dante dressed in layers. He ripped off the woman's clothing, leaving him in his regular outfit.

"I can't believe that Mundus thought that I was Trish, he such an idiot!" Dante exclaimed. Unfortunately, Mundus wasn't yet out of earshot. He heard the insult, causing him to trip. He accidentally dropped his most prized possession; his voice box. He used it to make his voice sound more manly. The truth was, his voice was high pitched and nerdy.

"And he's _soooo_ gay!" Dante pressed on "making himself look like a giant weirdo! How gay is that!"

Mundus sniffled. Despite his yelling and roaring all the time, he was secretly a big softy and very sensitive.

"Ultra big macho man, huh? I bet he's not so big! Who am I kidding? He's _soooo_ fat!"

A tear dropped from Mundus' eye; Dante was just a big Meanie.

"And just _look_ at his nose! He wasn't the champion egg balancer, his nose just _looked_ like an egg!"

With a girlie squeal, Mundus ran off crying to his room, preparing for a large box of ice cream with a spoon and a long telephone gossip with a friend. And crying into the pillow.

Dante walked back to the entrance of the underworld, forgetting once again the directions he had just taken, so once he passed by again, everything would be new to him. He returned the "new age fashion trend" clothes back to the wardrobe and walked on. He came to the room with the two frosts in it. Dante's expression tightened.

"Stand back!" he said cautiously "I've got a weapon and I'm afraid to use it!"

The frosts, realising the meaning of what Dante had just said, pounced.

Dante raised ebony and ivory, preparing to shoot. His teeth were chattering, and there was a dark blotch on his trousers which was making a smelly puddle beneath his feet.

He was too late, the frosts were shredding him to bits. Dante realised that it _might_ be helpful to fight back. He punched one of the frosts with Ifrit, making a large burn stain on it. Dante's eyes unfocused. He was playing his favourite pastime; playing with fire.

With a maniacal scream, Dante went haywire on the two Frosts. They were gone within seconds of Dante's idiotic rampage.

Dante walked right through the slime that covered the exit, ignoring the fact that he was meant to open it first. He looked around. The entire room was covered in shiny squiggles. His eyes widened.

"Dante, help!" came a familiar voice.

He looked across the room.

"Hi, Trish!"

"HELP ME!"

"Nice to see you again!"

"GET YOUR GODDAM ASS OVER HERE, YOU TWAT!"

Dante's bottom lip quivered. He didn't like being yelled at. Nonetheless, he walked over to Trish to try and help her out.

Suddenly, a white line drew itself around Dante, separating him from Trish and the exit. Then Shitemare came out of the ground, it hardened and roared at Dante, trying to look intimidating.

Dante, thinking it was a game, roared back. Shitemare stared at him blankly. Dante roared at him again. Shitemare started attacking Dante, having nothing better to do. Dante jumped on Shitemare, attempting an attack. Shitemare ate him.

Dante found himself in the Nightmare world. He looked around. There, surrounding him, were the skulls that took his shiny things. His eyes reddened. The air around him went fuzzy. He had no worries in killing them all. Then, the most unlikely person imaginable appeared. Nelo Angelo.

"VERGIL!" Dante shrieked, clasping his hands around his brother "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN!"

Vergil's face showed contempt.

"Eww, you sick freak! Do you know how gay that sounds?"

Dante's face went red.

"At least I don't strut around the place wearing tight armour, that's probably why all the woman ignore, it's why you're still a VIRGIN!" he put special attention to the last word, adding to the affect.

Vergil gave a roar and charged at Dante. Dante dodged to the side, all the while teasing Vergil.

"VIRGIN VERGIL! VIRGIN, VERGIL!"

"SHUT UP!" Vergil roared as he sliced at Dante.

The sword met it's target; Dante's nuts.

Dante fell to his knees, screaming up to the heavens.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He got up and slashed at Vergil like he had never slashed before. This time it was Vergil who fell to his knees. Dante gave a single stroke, beheading Vergil.

A light fell onto a part of the island. Before Dante went through, he picked up his manhood and sewed it back on, unskilfully and painfully. It still did the job, though. He walked into the light.

Shitemare was doing a victory dance while Trish watched with a smug grin. Suddenly Shitemare got a strange feeling. It groaned; it shouldn't have eaten that Dante. With a disgusting sound, Shitemare crapped onto the floor, hurting his ass severely.

Dante was out of Shitemare, though he smelled terrible. This wasn't anything new, so everyone ignored it.

Dante looked at the shiny thingies on the wall. He couldn't resist hitting them. Shitemare hardened again, changing from the position of diarrhoea to giant turd. Shitemare roared and attacked Dante. Dante actually dodged and fought back, putting a shocked expression on everyone's face. Shitemare hit Dante, making Dante realise that his current battle technique wasn't effective, so he returned to his old classic: running around in circles like a complete idiot.

Shitemare soon got dizzy and fell over, revealing his core. Dante liked this new shiny thing, but he knew that it was evil. So he proceeded to beat the living crap out of it (literally) and caused severe damage to Shitemare.

This was not going to Trish's liking at all, so she struck Dante with lightning.

Dante fell over, then tried to get up. He failed. So, he was stuck there for a while, looking like a turtle. Eventually, he managed to get up (like true turtle fashion).

His eyes widened when he discovered who had just attacked him.

"Trish? You?" he rasped hoarsely.

Trish pulled off an evil laugh.

"You fool! You should know better than to trust a stranger! Humans. What sweets-"

Dante interrupted her.

"Cool, I'm a sweet!" he started gnawing on his arm.

Trish stared at him, repulsed. Luckily, Shitemare did not have the skills of a turtle, so he remained on the floor for all of this. Trish cleared her throat and continued.

"Your presence has become a hindrance to masters evil plan, you're-"

Unfortunately, the words "presence" and "hindrance" were too big for Dante to understand. He just stood there and nodded now and then, pretending that he had a perfect understanding of what Trish was saying. To make it look more convincing, he said understanding words now and then.

"So I shall have to destroy you-"

"Mhm, interesting"

"…… what?"

Dante nodded his head understandingly.

"Er-hem, anyway, you will have to be annihilated-"

"That makes sense"

"………"

"Mhm"

"……..,."

"Of course"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Brilliant! You're a genius!"

Trish shut up.

"Hmm, is that right?"

"…….."

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you stop talking?"

Trish shocked him out of annoyance.

Shitemare got up and tried to attack Dante again.

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" screamed Trish, instantly killing Shitemare.

Shitemare screeched and started bubbling, lines of white light poured out of him. The symbols all over the room vanished; Shitemare had acted as the sacrifice needed to move on. The light panned sideways, Trish managed to duck, but Dante wasn't paying attention. His wig got shredded. Trish stared at him, wide eyed. Dante flushed. He reached into his pocket and used the instant hair lengthener that he had kept. Trish was still staring at him. Dante shifted uncomfortably.

"Aren't we supposed to be having a battle?" he said, trying to change the subject.

Trish nodded and went to attack Dante again, though her eyes were still wide: that image would haunt her for weeks.

Suddenly the light slashed through a pillar of stone that Trish was standing beside. The rock tumbled, threatening to crush her.

"Cool," said Dante, genuinely interested "A falling stone!"

He then realised that Trish had a better view of the rock.

"Outta my way, bitch!" he said impatiently as he shoved her out of the rocks way. Due to his terrible hand-eye coordination, he managed to jump out of the way as well.

Trish and Dante lay sprawled on the floor. Dante rose and wiped the dust off his coat. Trish slowly rose as well as Dante walked away.

"Dante, why did you save me?" she asked.

Dante walked up to her, thinking he was about to get the "You're my hero!" speech.

What he got, though, was a slap across the face.

"HOW DARE YOU PUSH ME OUT OF YOUR WAY, YOU BRUTE!"

Dante sniffled and walked away. Trish's face softened.

"Why did you save me though?"

Dante didn't bother turning to face her (he was afraid that he would get slapped again).

"'cause you look like my mother" he said, making up a reasonable excuse. He didn't feel like telling her that he didn't mean to save her.

He walked off, making Trish feeling guilty.

Three red orbs appeared beside her.

"TRISH, YOU STILL DON'T HAVE MY TISSUES, YOU HAVE FAILED ME"

Trish's eyes widened.

"REPORT TO THE THRONE ROOM, I HAVE A PLAN. OH, BY THE WAY, I'M OUT OF ICE CREAM, COULD YOU GET SOME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?"

_In the centre of the Earth--_

Mole Scientist: right here's the plan for the weapon you thought up.

ML#1: Perfect, this bomb will eradicate all the humans, while leaving their buildings intact!

ML#2: Then, we shall steal all of their monuments and rule over the human world!

ML#1: No human could get in our way! It'll only be moles left to rule!"

Both Moles: MUHUHUHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA!

Mole Scientist: Dudes, you guys are so evil. Chill.

* * *

_Almost done. There's only gonna be two more chapters left. BUT, don't think that means you don't have to review! I want to hear all of your opinions on what should happen at the end. **I'm not gonna update until I get at least 5 reviews for this chapter.**_

_Yes, I'm well aware that I made Mundus a complete sissy nerd in this story. That's the way I planned it. I want you all to imagine him as an extremely sensitive nerd that gets really hurt by insults. It will take a huge part in the rest of the story. Also, imagine that he likes to sulk a lot. Think of him as something like a 40 year old who lives with his mother._

_I'll take this as a chance to advertise for my friends fic. "_**Read DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT!" **also, I received a review saying that my friend writes well, but has nothing on me. If you read his latest chapter, you will have learned this. I admit, if he had started this fic before me, it would be **at least** as good as it is now, **most likely** **better**. Even though the person who reviewed is a good subscriber, I had to disagree on this point. No offence to her. She knows who she is.

The mole people are finally back, sorry about leaving them out for a while. I'm gonna say this now. They won't be in the next chapter, though you'll be hearing about their secret weapon on the final part.

'til the next time. (remember, the five review thing)

Ciao.


	13. The Big Nosed Wuss

_Disclaimer: Anything that's copyrighted and featured in this story is not owned by e._

_Joe: Right, I'm a little annoyed with the support that I've been given lately, there were two whole chapters were I didn't get any reviews at all! But! There are people who can tell me how they feel about the story, and for those, I thank you. Still, I don't care if you hate the story to bits, at least tell me what's wrong with it and I can make a difference. If you don't want to read my ramblings on reviews, skip to the next paragraph. I'm not sure all of you understand how much use a single review can do. A story could possibly come into your hands if you review and tell the author what you think would be a good idea. A reviewer told me that it would be a good idea to make Dante a cross dresser. It happened, check the last chapter and see for yourself. If an author is feeling down on his/her writing skills, you can encourage them and they will most likely keep on with the story. I myself asked Ayla Curtis (author of "growing pains") if she could do a few things. Some of them showed up. That's a difference you can make. You could also give an author a new idea, and they might write a completely new story. Keep all that in mind._

_The last time I checked, Dante was just after saving Trish from being crushed, even though he didn't mean to. This is the last chapter, I've decided. It might be too much for one chapter, but it'll leave too little content for the next chapter. I'm giving up on the thought of making a huge change at the end of the story isn't leaving as much a good feeling as I thought it would. Don't worry, something seriously off track is going to happen, though._

_Oh, and sorry about the time it took to write this, writers block seems to think that it owns my house (it must be wondering why I'm still here) and I can't get it to leave. Which is why you might find some of the jokes unfunny. Oh, well, as soon as I get a shotgun, it'll leave the house sharpish._

_This is the last time that I'll say this._

_Here is the thirteenth, and final chapter to "Yet Another DMC Parody"_

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_**Chapter 13: The Big Nosed Wuss**_

Dante looked around the room that he was now in. Room wasn't the right word for it. More like, the stomach that he was now in. Everything was moving as though it was a living organism and there was a nauseating noise in the background that resembled a heartbeat.

Dante walked on, ignoring all of this, even though the feeling that he was being eaten was not easy to shake off. He unbolted the giant iron door and found his fears confirmed. There, in the middle of the room, was a heart the size of a van. It was pulsing, much to everyone's discomfort. Dante looked around and noticed a heart that was smaller, therefore smashable. He did so.

There was a noise of clammy fingers retracting. Dante had nothing better to do, so he walked through the door again. The hole in the side of the room was now open, so he walked through, ignoring the slimy film as he stomped clean through it.

He came up to a Nobody. Upon seeing Dante, the nobody started dancing. Dante raised an eyebrow. The nobody continued dancing for no particular reason. Dante attacked it because the nobody was freaking him out. Then the nobody put on a mask and grew larger.

This was completely against any law of nature and completely unexpected. The nobody kicked Dante hard, knocking him backwards into the mucus covered wall.

The nobody started dancing again, the groove of the "mashed potato" coming over it. Dante got up, and put on a fighting stance. But, something was wrong, he could feel it. Alastor and Ifrit gasped. Sparda snored on. The mucus had messed up Dante's hair. The nobody didn't realise that anything was wrong and started the haka.

Dante's eyes turned red, once again and the air around him went fuzzy. The nobody slowed down a bit with a worried face. Dante made a cuckoo noise and charged at the nobody, waving his arms wildly and drooling freely on the floor, making a sticky puddle. The nobody attempted to run away, but the mad cuckoo man known as Dante was too fast for it and easily caught up and knocked it down, running it over, all the while making bird noises. He decided to change noises, since the cuckoo noise was getting old.

The nobody slowly got up, footmarks making a tire mark affect on its back. It raised its head to see what would happen to it next. Dante's red eyes had managed to look like headlights, illuminating the room. The nobody gasped, the headlights had just turned to shine on him. Then Dante charged again.

"TURKEY!" Dante loudly announced as he charged at the nobody again, running it down once more. Alastor raised an eyebrow and Ifrit stared. They thought that Dante's wisdom of barnyard animals should have extended far beyond this. Dante looked slightly embarrassed and he shuffled his feet.

"I don't know what noise it makes" he muttered quietly.

Sparda snored on.

The nobody was killed by the strength of Dante's bird-car stampede, getting rid of the curses blocking the way. But Dante's hair had not yet been avenged. Dante charged down the new hallways, ignoring the suckers that attached themselves to his body in his poultry like rage. He encountered another nobody in the next room. Upon seeing Dante, the nobody started the Macarena, doing the traditional nobody greeting. It stopped when it saw the look on Dante's face.

"Turkey" Dante exclaimed as it charged down the nobody. The nobody wasn't expecting this, and therefore could not defend itself in time. That may sound stupid, but I bet that _you'd_ be pretty damn shocked if a man you just met made a bird noise and charged _you_ down. Dante charged down the new hall, but decided halfway that the turkey noise was getting old. He then transferred to a cow noise. Of course, it didn't strike Dante that a cow wasn't a bird. It didn't matter. Whatever kept him happy was ok.

The next and last Nobody stared at Dante, preparing itself for attack. Dante charged at it, blinding it with his headlights, then knocking it down as he "MOOOOO!" ed. The nobody coughed as it rose. Then Dante realised that a bird didn't moo. His face spread into a thoughtful glance. He ended up with the conclusion that the cow noise was the best choice. He looked at the now ready nobody. He glared at it.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he bellowed as he rammed into it, slamming it into the nearest wall. When the Nobody fell to the ground again, it was no longer alive. Dante was just about to move on when Alastor asked hi m something.

"Dante?"

"Hmm?"

"When you started thinking back there, why did you keep going with the cow noise? Its not a bird noise"

"I know, when I thought to myself, I thought, What would a bird be doing in the Underworld?"

"What would a _COW_ be doing in the underworld?"

"Hiding"

Alastor shocked him while Ifrit wrote it down in the _Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante_.

Nothing much happened until Dante got to the switch which opened the door to Mundus' altar. He hit the switch, making the curses come off the door.

"How did _that_ work?" questioned Ifrit.

"Dunno," Alastor replied.

"Well," Dante said in a nerdy voice that was not of his own "the force received by this circular energy gatherer is then transported to that gargantuan door…"

"Dante?" Alastor asked cautiously.

"…that same power is used to inflict damage to the curses, which, when enough damage is inflicted, will deteriorate into nothingness, but it has to have enough power to destroy all of the curses, because if the limit of damage is not reached, the curses will reset, unscathed…,"

"Who _are_ you?" Ifrit asked.

"…Ergo, the main function of this circular energy gatherer is to let out the power contained _only_ when the limit is reached, which is why the lights fade down when the sequence of lights is not completed, that is why the curses were destroyed when all the lights lit."

There was a short silence.

"Dante?" Alastor asked again.

Dante collapsed.

Ifrit laughed "Well, I guess it was all too much for him."

It took the best of half an hour for Dante to recover. He rose groggily.

"What happened?" he asked hoarsely, rubbing his aching head.

Alastor's face looked hopeful.

"Maybe, in his new intelligence, he'll be able to think up a plan to defeat Mundus!"

Alastor and Ifrit looked at him hopefully, expecting him at any moment to devise a brilliant plan.

Dante stroked his chin thoughtfully. His eyes glinted and a smirk broke across his face.

"Yes…that ought to work…yes"

Alastor and Ifrit exchanged excited glances.

"Coconuts" Dante said, his index finger risen into the air, as if he had just ended world hunger.

"That didn't last long" Ifrit murmured under his breath.

The look of someone who had an understanding of everything around him had vanished from Dante's face. The usual look of surprise had swept back across his features. His mouth hung open again, drool resuming it's position as waterfall. He noticed the disappointed looks on Alastor and Ifrit's faces.

"What happened?" he asked concernedly.

"You said smart things for a while" Ifrit answered grimly.

Dante was panic stricken.

"WHAT! I could've died!"

"We know, it's a miracle that you're still here" Alastor stated.

Sparda snored on.

Dante shook off the feeling that he had just escaped death and walked through the giant door.

Inside was the shiniest room Dante had ever seen. He strolled through it, his head acting like a spinning top, he was unable to take his eyes off his surroundings. Eventually he reached the giant statue. For no particular reason, he had decided to take Sparda out, probably because it looked cool.

"ONCE AGAIN I MUST FACE A SPARDA, STRANGE FATE, ISN'T IT?" said Mundus casually.

Dante, trying to make an impressive impression, said:

"Strange and ironic that it'll end the same way!"

Mundus chuckled and was about to start a sentence when Dante thought that he had chuckled for a reason (maybe he had said a funny joke? Dante had to laugh back, he didn't want to look like an idiot, did he?) and he started chuckling with Mundus.

Mundus, being used to having incompetent idiots around him, kept his patience. He cleared his throat. Dante stopped. Mundus continued.

"IRONY HAS FAVOURED YOU THIS TIME, BUT THIS TIME I HAVE THE UPPER HAND, LOOK!"

He shone a light up to the wall above the entrance, illuminating Trish. She was hung up by her hands.

Dante didn't give Mundus the effect that he was expecting.

"Hi, Trish! How are you?" Dante asked cheerfully. There was no response.

Mundus coughed.

"NO, YOU DON'T GET IT, SHE'S-"

"Don't interrupt!" Dante snapped "anyway, where was I?"

"You were shocked to see Trish hung up there and was about to insult me," Mundus said.

"Thank you," Dante said "YOU!"

Mundus shot three red spears into Dante, preventing Dante from finishing his sentence. Trish came to her senses at that moment and saw Dante being attacked.

"Dante!" she screamed.

"WHAT IS THE MATTER?" Mundus taunted "HAS THE SPARDA BLOOD BEEN SPOILED OVER THE AGES? SO SAD THAT HUMANS WILL ALWAYS BE HUMANS, NO MORE"

During this speech, Mundus charged up a beam from his third eye, meaning to finish Dante off.

Despite what it looked like, Trish was not properly held up, due to the incompetence of Mundus' workers. Just as the beam was about to hit Dante, Trish jumped down and pushed Dante out of the beams ray, taking the damage herself.

"Trish…" Dante said, and he walked over to look at her unconscious (or dead, as everyone seemed to think) body. Mundus charged up another beam, intending to kill Dante while his back was turned.

But then something strange happened, when the beam was just about to hit Dante, Dante turned around, his eyes red, but this was not because of messed up hair, this was actually a _good_ reason. A red tinge had been added to the air around him and Sparda activated. The snoring had died out. Then Sparda spoke, his voice was clearly that of an old person, hoarse and faint, the kind that people put into cartoons.

"Hey, you kids!" he said angrily, clearly disoriented "get offa my lawn!"

There was a small silence.

"That's better," Sparda said happily.

Mundus cleared his throat.

"Anyway… this is normally the point where I act all high and mighty and destroy the room we're in, making us battle in the sky,"

Dante nodded.

With a giant roar, Mundus …… well, acted all high and mighty and destroyed the room that they were in, making them battle in the sky.

"THOSE EYES…DEEP IN THEM I SEE THE SAME LIGHT AS IN SPARDA'S EYES" Mundus stated.

"Who-wha-why?" Sparda gibbered, hearing his name in a sentence. There was no reply. The sound of his snoring soon returned.

Dante cleared his throat.

"Er-hem… anyway… why my mother?"

"THAT USELESS BEING?" Mundus said "IF YOU NEED A MO-"

But as soon as Mundus said "Useless being", that was enough for Dante, he charged at Mundus, devil triggering into a new form, making everyone pretty damn impressed by his looks.

"DIE BITCH! DIEEEEE!" Dante bellowed angrily.

Mundus flapped his wings, sending him back a fair distance.

Then, when Mundus was just ready enough to start the battle, Dante had already gone. Mundus looked around. Where could he be? He was there just a second ago. Dante was in the complete opposite direction, a huge bit away, flying in loop-de-loops and corkscrews, going "WEEEEEEEEEE!". Mundus was extremely irritated by this.

"COME HERE AND FACE ME, MORTAL!"

Dante didn't seem to hear him and kept on doing acrobatics while whooping.

"MORTAL!"

No response.

"DANTE-"

Dante was now chasing his wings in a circle, acting like a dog chasing its tail.

"GET OVER HERE YOU STUPID TWAT!"

Dante would have been deaf if he hadn't heard that. Though, Sparda still remained asleep, unaffected by the loud noise. Dante flew back over to Mundus and the battle begun.

Dante pushed his hand forward and a blast of red energy erupted from his palm. Dante's eyes widened; this was going to be fun. Mundus shot wave after wave of attack at Dante, but Dante had made a cunning battle plan, completely different to his other battle plan. This plan was "going around in circles like a complete idiot in the air". Notice the difference? it's a nice change from "running around in circles like a complete idiot", isn't it?

_Note:- For those of you who are stuck on Mundus in the game, this actually is a good strategy, just fly around in a circle while shooting and you should do fine._

As the note here just said, Dante amazing battle plan was actually working, surprising everyone and winning him the battle. But, something strange happened at that moment, the last shot fired by Dante had hit Mundus right below the neck, making a small device fall. This, was Mundus' voice box, making his voice return to it's usual geeky self.

Mundus shed a tear: he was given that as a present by his mother. With a moody roar, Mundus made a ton of comets smash against Dante, knocking him down. But, in his tear filled hissy fit, Mundus accidentally stopped flapping his wings, sending him down with Dante.

They both landed on top of a volcano, Dante being lucky enough to land on a rocky part, however, Mundus did not share this same luck. He landed right in the middle of the lava pool.

Mundus burst into salty tears, he didn't like taking baths, especially not when his mother wasn't there to apply the bubbles in. He slammed his fists onto the ground repeatedly, like a toddler that doesn't want to take a nap just yet. Mundus was also making wailing noises, giving almost everyone a headache. The exception being Sparda. He was, however, woken up. In a bad mood.

"Who-wha?" he said nonsensically "turn down that damn music, punks!"

Dante jumped by the sudden outburst caused by his sword.

He dropped Sparda into the lava.

"Uh-oh…that's not good…" Dante muttered as he loosened his collar nervously.

He tried to fetch it, but ended up falling in as well.

Through some glitch in the game, Dante had skipped the continue screen and landed right back a few steps away from the lava in a split second, it was as if Dante had teleported.

Dante burst into hysterics of maniacal laughter. With that he ran back in. He ended up in the same spot he had just been in a few seconds ago. He was still running. He ran back in. And again.

And again.

And…again.

Again.

Again.

You'd think that he'd of gotten tired of this by now, wouldn't you?

Again.

Aga…wait, he mightn't do it this time…oh, no, forget what I just said.

(sighs) again.

Again.

When Dante was on his last yellow orb, he stopped. He had gotten Sparda back. The lava thing had gotten old. He looked up at Mundus, who was still throwing a tantrum. Dante cleared his throat. Mundus opened his eyes and blinked twice. He noticed that Dante was staring at him like he was an idiot. Damn it… he didn't want his opposition to think that he was a complete buffoon, did he? He had to say something quick…something impressive…

"I can dress myself" Mundus announced. Hah, that'll do it…

Anyone with half a brainstem would have thought that Mundus was an even bigger buffoon after hearing that, but Dante was mightily impressed.

"Wow!" Dante said "that's impressive! I can't even dress myself!"

"The hell?" Ifrit remarked "but your dressed right now, aren't you?"

"It's a rare skin disease" Dante answered. Ifrit shuddered.

"Never mind," he said, completely grossed out.

Then, Dante and Mundus prepared for a battle, a battle that involved hurting and swords and blood, and coconuts…actually, Dante was the only who prepared himself for that last bit, so scratch that…but a battle that would actually involve proper fighting in it. This was a rare occasion for Dante, so it was a pity that Mundus messed it up by getting lava in his eye and starting to cry.

You know, at times like this, you kinda feel like you're surrounded by complete and utter idiots. Ah, well, maybe we're all just a bunch of idiots.

Anyway, while Mundus was distracted by the pain in his eye, Dante jumped up the rocks and slashed at Mundus with Sparda. For some, reason, a pair of false teeth popped out of Sparda when it made contact with Mundus.

"OW!" Mundus wailed "YOU'RE A MEANIE!"

And with that, Mundus attempted to get up and fly away, but he ended up tripping over in the lava, seriously burning him. Mundus let out another wail, this time actually managing to set off to the air, starting a search for a bandage for his boo-boo.

With a flash, Dante was back in the shiny throne room. Dante looked on the ground to see Trish's dead (or so he thought) body. Sparda chose this as a time to start complaining.

"Get a move on there sonny! Ent' got all day, do we?" he said crossly.

A vein became visible on Dante's forehead.

"THAT'S IT, DAD! I'M SICK OF YOUR COMPLAINING!" he yelled angrily at the sword embodying his father.

He looked at Trish's inanimate body on the floor.

"You'd better take care of him, I don't have the patience!" he said "Now, rest, my father is here"

He took out his amulet.

"Now my mother is here…rest in peace"

He then noticed how shiny the amulet was.

"Wait a minute…MINE!" he snatched the amulet off Trish's neck "you got my father, that's enough!"

And with that he stormed off while Mallet Island began to collapse.

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Dante was running as fast as he could: not because the entire place was crumbling around him, he didn't notice that yet, but because it was a huge effort to go on a 24 hour mission without going toilet once. He badly needed to take a dump somewhere. He raced past all the enemies that got in his way and smashed his face through the curses that barred the passageways. Eventually, he got to the human realm again. Brilliant…there was bound the be toilets up here…

He raced through the hallways and came to the room with the bi-plane in it. There was a small door that Dante had never noticed before on the wall directly opposite him with the little man on it.

…….Believe me, you don't want me to describe what happened next, so I'll skip to the important bit.

"Ohhh, yeah, that's it!" Dante said pleasure fully.

Eh-heh…I'll skip a bit further.

"How does this thing flush?" Dante asked curiously "maybe I have to stand in it and…"

He managed to flush himself down the toilet, as awkward as that sounds. Dante found himself speeding down a pipe. When he got out, he found himself in a familiar room. It was the pipe room where he had first met the oversized bugs. But there was something completely unexpected in the room there.

Mundus lay hunched up in the corner: Dante had ventured into his sulking spot. Mundus was muttering things such as "Meanie-fo-feanie…" and "poo-poo head" with a sniffle every now and then. Dante cleared his throat.

Mundus slowly turned around and noticed Dante. He burst into tears, and every time he spoke, he couldn't make proper sense, like a toddler who got his favourite toy taken off him.

"YOU!" he screamed loudly "YOURDEONE THA MAYME CRY, YUOMEAN IE! (sniffle)"

It's only been recently that our top scientists managed to translate this into "you! You're the one that made me cry, you meanie!"

Mundus tried to get up and slap Dante, but he fell over and got covered in the urine and crap that filled the room. Soon he was a mess. Mundus then said something that got messed up in his period of crying and we still haven't translated it. Mundus started crawling towards Dante, determined to inflict damage of some sort upon Dante.

Dante easily dodged Mundus' feeble attempts to hit Dante and slashed Mundus with Alastor.

This didn't help with Mundus' tantrum, only making it worse in fact. Mundus let out a mighty wail, then dug his hand into the ground and pulled out a section of the floor, then pulled it over himself as a blanket. Mundus then rolled over to his other side, refusing to look at Dante. When Dante walked over to the other side, Mundus rolled over again, his head held high.

"GOR WAY!" Mundus screamed, meaning to say "go away!" but screwing up.

Then, due to the island's falling apart, the roof collapsed, knocking the bi-plane downwards, separating Mundus from Dante. Since Dante had never flown a plane before, he _should_ have resisted any urges that he got. But what he _should_ have done was a completely different matter to what he _did_ do. Dante immediately hopped in and used the planes machine guns to punch a hole in the wall.

Then, of all the escape plans he could have used… the God of Time had chosen to use the bi-plane, the bi-plane that _he_ was supposed to have used to survive. But, as luck would have it, his worst enemy had gotten in first. Just as Dante was about to put his foot down on the pedal, the God of Time hopped on, unaware that someone else was in it. Dante, sensing something behind him, punched the thing behind him with Ifrit. The God was knocked off, just as the propeller activated, the God of Time held out his hand in a plead for mercy not expecting to see the face of Dante looking at him. Dante, being a complete idiot, took the hand, but instead of pulling it up, he shook it and let go. The last words that the God let out before he was ripped to shreds was that of a surprised tone.

"YOU AGAIN!" he bellowed before he was sucked into the propeller.

"Bye-bye!" Dante said cheerfully as he waved his hand, blissfully unaware of what had just happened.

Then Dante took off, through the tunnels and into the sky, he had finally escaped Mallet Island. But…

"Dante!" Alastor shrieked "you never defeated Mundus!"

"Oops!" Dante said.

"Oh, well," Ifrit said "Mundus wasn't really that strong was he? Some guy or other will kill him some day."

"Yeah…" said Dante, scratching his head "but I can't shake off the feeling that I've forgotten something……"

_-On The Cliff at the Edge of Mallet Island-_

"COME BACK!" yelled Trish as she ran towards the cliff face waving her arms frantically "COME BACK, I'M NOT DEAD! COME BACK YOU DOLT!"

The rumbling that was coming from the castle intensified.

"Oh, crap!" she muttered.

_-In Another Part of the Castle-_

ML#1: Careful…don't want to break that weapon!

ML#2: Remember, if that breaks, our plan is ruined!

ML#1: Soon, after all that struggling, we shall RULE ALL!

Both Moles: MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAAA!

_The rumbling sound fills the room_

ML#1: Wha-what's going on?

ML#2: I think… the humans have outwitted us again!

_Dust and rubble fall from the ceiling and the walls fall apart_

ML#1: No…no, I won't accept defeat, I WILL NOT accept defeat! Not after all that!

_The entire island falls apart, killing all of the Moles, the super weapon that could've destroyed mankind, Mundus and Trish._

_Character Epilogues_

Dante is soon back home at Devil May Cry, and since Trish isn't there, they keep the name to Devil May Cry (which is much, much better than the other one), he is no longer the stupidest being on Earth, he has since been taking tutor lessons, and has now beaten the common housefly by 2 IQ.

_Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante_ is released the following week. It becomes an instant hit, both children and adults alike buying it to read about the idiotic exploits of Dante, the demon hunter.

Due to the books success, Alastor and Ifrit began their business in showbiz, they are currently the best director combo in Hollywood, directing masterpiece after masterpiece and becoming hugely famous and rich.

Mundus is not yet dead, though he only recently stopped sulking. He decided to get a job and move out of his parents house. He is currently working in McDonalds, as a trainee employee.

Sprinkles the shadow managed to escape the tragedy of Mallet Island. Sprinkles is now living in the sewers, acting as a monster to feed on anyone who goes down there now.

Ever since the entire mole army was swept out, the mole folk have learned their lesson and have never went to the surface again.#

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_That's it. Done. It's all finally over._

_Despite my earlier complaints, I'd like to thank everyone who has given me support from the start, I'm surprised that everyone didn't hate it._

_If you did like it, there are more stories by the same author (well, kind of). Don't act surprised, this happens at the end of every book you've read or any VHS you've watched._

_DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT!__ : Not actually by the same author, but if you've read it already, you'll know that Gromit wrote this (my friend that shares the same pen-name). Remember "Growing Pains", miss it? You won't once you read this. It's a bunch of stories based on Dante's and Vergil's youth, but a bit more…extreme than Growing Pains. And you have my assurance that Gromit is nowhere near running out of ideas._

_Of Boredom and Empty Bottles__: By me, a one shot that sprung into my head. Not as all out humour as this, but should be funny enough. Dante is bored and lonely in the Devil May Cry, with no beer in the house. He resorts to drastic measures to make the time pass._

Wow, look at that, I successfully made two hyperlinks in the story. As Gromit would say, "gu-man!". Right, serious review time. I know I've already given a lecture (which I am ashamed of, I actually felt like a mature person back there), but I'm all open to ideas. And, I want to hear about what you thought of this story. Not about how great or funny it was, but about any mistakes or things I left out that could have made it better. I dare you. Complain and whine to me as badly as you want, and I'll be grateful.

Go on, become the inner child (like me, but not _that_ childish) say if it could've done with more description or something like that.

Oh, well, I can't ramble on any more, 'cause look! The bottom of the page is just there. Crap. I'm running out of space here, but I'd like to thank all of you who read this. Buh-bye.


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